I always find the pictures on the front of parenting books a little unrealistic, only to the extent that many family portraits look unrealistic—the whole family at their best, smiling really big, arms around each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that most families are always unhappy and in constant conflict, but I think most people would agree that the family portrait isn’t necessarily a snapshot of real life in most homes.

What would that snapshot look like in your home right at this moment? What about at 8:00 tonight?

I’ll be the first to admit that my home isn’t all grins all the time. If you walked into my kitchen at 7:10 a.m. when three teenagers and two adults are scurrying around making lunches, woofing down a quick bowl of cereal, trying our best not to collide with each other… this family picture might look a little different. One parent straightening up a mess on the counter, another hurrying kids along so they won’t be late for school, two of the three kids usually snapping at each other about something.

“Where’s the milk?”

“It’s right here on the table. Duh!”

“Well put it back next time! Sheeesh.”

CLICK. Exhibit A.

Not quite the family portrait you hang over the mantel, but just the same a very typical “snapshot” of what many homes really look like in the morning.

What about the more embarrassing portraits? I shudder to think what that picture would look like during the times when I was completely off-the-charts angry, barking at one of my kids, or saying words to my wife that I’d regret later.

We don’t like to talk about those “snapshots,” do we?

I can’t help but think of a family portrait we all took a few years ago when my parents, my brother’s family and my family were all together on a family vacation. We were all in good spirits and even dressed up nice for the picture. As my dad began gathering the family together, my brother placed his video camera by the other camera’s tripod and hit record when no one was looking. The results are very amusing.

“Come on everyone, let’s get this picture while the light is still good.”

“I’m coming. Hold on!”

Kids were whining and complaining about having to wear nice clothes, men were barking out orders, the ladies were brushing dust off of kids’ sweaters with one hand while applying their own lipstick with another.

Eventually everyone got into their exact places. Kids still fidgeted, provoking each other, adults offered unwanted advice of where to stand. Finally, I barked one last order of “Enough! Now smile.”

Everyone smiled.

CLICK.

The video is hilarious to watch now.

What would your videotape reveal?

If your home isn’t perfect… welcome to the club. Don’t worry, no home is. If the daily “snapshots” in your house don’t look like the typical family portrait, then you’re probably very normal.

Maybe you’ve never lost your temper with your kids. If your kid ever brought home a bad report card, maybe you didn’t overreact; instead you just stopped, prayed, then gave your daughter a noogie and took her to ice cream. Maybe you’re Mary freaking Poppins! If so… go ahead and skip reading my parenting book, because I’m as imperfect as they get. But by God’s grace, I’ve somehow managed to build close relationships with my two daughters and my son, trying to teach them lasting values along the way.

Welcome to my Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent.

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“How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“How was school?”

“Same as always.”

“Much homework?”

“Nope.”

“Anything exciting happen?”

“Naw.”

“Nice talking with you.”

Is it just me? Or do our kids have PhD’s in one-word answers?

I just got back from Southern California where I had the privilege of teaching the parenting track at the FAM Conference hosted by my friends Doug Fields and Jim Burns. On Saturday I launched a brand new training workshop titled “Get Your Teenagers Talking.” For those of you who weren’t able to make it to SoCal last week… I thought I’d give you a taste.

After giving parents a quick tour of today’s pop-youth-culture, I wanted to provide them some practical ways to dialogue with their kids. Here’s two of my “5 Tips to Get Your Teenagers Talking.”

1.    Don’t Ask Dull Questions
Parents always complain to me that they can’t get their kids to talk with them, but often they don’t put any time into formulating the questions they ask.

Don’t ask dull questions like “How was school?” My daughter Alyssa told it to me straight one day. She said,

“Dad, stop asking me how school is day after day. School’s always the same. It sucks, it’s boring, and it seems like a waste of time. I could cram all 7 hours of what they teach me into about 90 minutes. So stop asking me the same question, you’re just gonna get the same answer.”

Wow. I guess I should give her credit for being honest!

So instead of asking something like “How was school?” How about asking something like this:

“If you could ditch all your classes tomorrow except one, which class would you choose to actually attend? Why?”

This question is much more attractive to a teenager. First, it hangs on the fun premise that they get to ditch school. At the same time, it forces them to salvage something tolerable about one of their classes.

“I’d probably go to English. Mr. Alves is actually pretty cool and we’re reading Huck Finn right now, which is actually pretty good.”

If we’re willing to put a little more thinking into our questions, we might get a little bit more from their responses. But creative questions aren’t the only tool in a parent’s belt. We can also…

2.    Use Controversy.
If you want to talk to your kids about “parental guidelines” you could approach it one of two ways. You could say, “Hey kids, wanna talk about parental guidelines?” Be careful if they have fruit or muffins in their hands when you ask this, they are liable to throw them at you. Honestly, what kid is going to respond to that kind of proposal?

Instead, try this. “Hey kids, did you see the YouTube video where the redneck dad got so sick of his daughter’s disrespectful antics on Facebook that he pulled out his 45 and blew holes in her laptop?”

I tried that with my daughters and they both demanded to see the video immediately. After watching the video, I asked, “So do you think the dad was unfair?” It resulted in a 45-minute discussion about “parental guidelines.” (I blogged all about that and linked the video here.)

Wanna talk with your daughters about the pressures they’re gonna face at school dances? Again, you could try your luck asking them to sit down on the couch so you can discuss it… or you could rent the new version of Footloose, watch it together, and then ask some well placed questions about what you saw (My article about using that movie for discussion, and questions here).

Pop culture offers plenty of creative discussion starters through songs, movies and even newspaper articles. Just pop onto the front page of www.TheSource4Parents.com and glance in the box titled OFFSITE ARTICLES JONATHAN HAS READ THIS WEEK. I constantly am reading and linking articles about technology, celebrities, entertainment media, drugs and alcohol… all can be used as discussion springboards to get your teenagers talking.

What about you!
What are the best ways you’ve found to get your teenagers talking?

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I’ve been looking for a venue to introduce my new parenting workshop, “Get Your Teenagers Talking,” so when Doug Fields called me a few weeks ago and asked me to teach the parenting track at their FAM Conference, May 10-12 in Southern CA… I knew this would be the place to debut this fun new workshop where I help parents open up the channels of communication in their homes and connect with their teenagers.

I really love what Jim Burns and Doug Fields are doing with this fun little conference at Azusa Pacific University. Jim and Doug are hosts, and they’ve brought out some amazing speakers like Jim Daly, George Barna and Dr. John Townsend (to name a few). Then they offer different tracks like my parenting track, a “Sticky Faith” youth ministry track taught by Kara Powell, or the children’s ministry track taught by author/speaker Christine Yount-Jones. There are 8 tracks total (see here).

One element I really like is the fact that, in addition to the tracks you choose, the FAM Conference offers Saturday seminars taught by all the workshop teachers so attendees can get a taste of a different track. So, for example, you could attend Kara’s youth ministry track on Friday, then come to my parenting track Saturday, which is when I’ll be debuting my “Getting Your Teenagers Talking.” (Friday I’m teaching my “Parenting the Texting Generation” workshop.)

But I guess the element that is the biggest plus of this conference is something that Jim and Doug have always brought to their conferences… personal attention. This conference offers very intimate sessions where you’ll have a chance to interact with the speakers. Plus, speakers like Jim, Doug and myself always make ourselves available at these kind of conferences to talk with you over meals and even one-on-one times. Well worth the price… especially the 50% discount price! Oh… didn’t I tell you? I’ve got a 50% discount for ya!

This conference is only a month away! So let me cut to the chase and give you the DISCOUNT DETAILS:

50% Discount to FAMConference- Just pop on this page to register and enter the word “Doug” (no quotes) in the “special code” box and you’ll receive a 50% discount off all who register! (If you win the contest, your money will be refunded.)

For more details about the FAMConference, go to FAMConference.com

If you’re interested in bringing me out to your city to teach this new parenting workshop, Getting Your Teenagers Talking, CLICK HERE.

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My daughter Alyssa is a junior this year. The junior year brings numerous ‘rites of passage’ for a teenage girl. For Alyssa, it’s the year that she got her driver’s license, began working, took the SAT’s… and it’s also the year of Junior Prom.

A little over a month ago the two of us were outside working on our weed-eater (My daughter is awesome! She mows lawns for four different people.), and she asked me, “Dad, you don’t want me to go to junior prom, do you?”

The phrasing of Alyssa’s question in itself caught me off guard this time. I wondered… Why does she assume I won’t let her go? Is this a good thing—because she knows I don’t like what goes on at school dances? Or is this her feeling, “Dad is waaaaay too strict!” Either way, I liked the fact that she was talking to me about it.

This subject matter isn’t new to my blog and articles. Two years ago I shared with you a little bit about what goes on in the dark at school dances. Then last year I blogged about when Alyssa asked me, “Dad, Can I Go to the Homecoming Dance?” (You’ll have to read that if you want to know if I let her go.) Today I wrote a guest post about it on Doug’s blog at DougFields.com.

I’m sure I’m not the only dad who is going to hear that question this year, from both daughters and sons. So the question I have for you is simply, how are you going to have that conversation?

Last week I wrote a Youth Culture Window article asking that very question, and providing you with a tool that might help you get your teenagers talking about this subject. In this article I actually recommend that you rent the 2011 film, Footloose, and discuss it with your kids afterwards. (In that article I provide discussion questions you can use.)

Let me be transparent. Our kids aren’t always going to be open to these teaching moments. When I told my own girls that it would be fun to watch the film, my youngest, Ashley, was skeptical. “Dad, how many times are you going to pause and talk?” She knows that I love those “pause button moments.” She started doing a “Daddy” impression, making fun of my teaching moments (it was pretty funny—I might just have to catch one of those impressions on film for you guys).

Footloose isn’t the only tool to get your teenagers talking. Last week I wrote about using YouTube. The tool isn’t important… the conversations, however, are.

What tools do you use to get your teenagers talking?

What are some of the issues that you find it difficult to get your teenagers talking about?

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Ashley isn’t so quick to laugh at my jokes these days.

It’s not that we don’t laugh together any more… we do frequently. Ashley, my 14-year-old,  has just proven to be my toughest audience. I used to be able to get a laugh out of Ashley no problem. Now it’s work!!!

I guess I’m not the only dad out there “trying too hard.” Because we hear the same thing from another teenager in our new R U Listening video that we just launched on our parents YouTube page. Carly, from Michigan tells her dad to not try too hard to be Mr. Fun Dad. Ashley and I recorded this R U Listening video together… since it hits close to home!

What about you? Do you find yourself trying too hard as a parent at times instead of just being you?

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As parents we never think it would happen to our kids, and our daughters never think it will happen to them . . . but the rate of binge drinking in teenage girls is growing, and the percentage of those girls who become sexually assaulted is even scarier.

A study in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs following 437 young women from high school graduation through their freshman year of college revealed that college life changes the drinking mindset. “Of all the girls who had never drunk heavily in high school (if at all), nearly half admitted to binge drinking at least once by the end of their first college semester.” (Rutgers, January, 2012) Worse yet, a quarter of the young women who’s biggest binge had included four to six drinks said they’d been sexually victimized in the fall semester.

Overprotective parents always tell me that their daughters will never make this mistake. Unfortunately, many of them eat their words their daughter’s freshman year.

If only this were just one study. Penn State researchers found that 8 percent of incoming freshman were heavy drinkers the summer before college. When surveyed again the fall semester, 28 percent now drank heavily.

Sadly, not all high school students are clean and sober by the time they graduate. According to the latest CDC studies:

• 42 percent of high school students drank “some” alcohol in the past 30 days.
• 24 percent of the same group admitted binge drinking (4 to 5 drinks in one hour)

I talked with my own daughters about this subject last night. They each know friends that drink or “party” regularly. It’s just a reality today. But young people don’t often think through the consequences. Neither of my daughters had even fathomed the idea of sexual victimization.

My youngest daughter commented, “Oh, that’s probably because they were slipped that drug in their drink, right?” (Rohypnol/roofies) She didn’t grasp that mere alcohol consumption loosened inhibitions, leaving girls more susceptible to making poor decisions in the moment that they’ll regret later.

Hopefully conversations like this will help our girls think through these kind of decisions.

What do you think? How can parents go about having these conversations? Can parents actually make an impact on their teenagers and the choice they make?

This is something I spent almost an entire chapter talking about in my book Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, and something I’ll talk about in detail . . . in my next blog post.

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This week I blogged about an experience with my daughter that caught me off guard. In that blog, I asked for my readers responses and received an influx of comments.

It began when my daughter attended my Parenting the Texting Generation workshop in Southern California last weekend (we used the weekend as an opportunity to look at some colleges for her). After the workshop she was talking openly with a handful of us about the guidelines Lori and I set for her and her sister, and she shared, “I agree with all my parents’ guidelines except the one about them being able to read my texts at any time. I’m not gonna do that one with my kids when I’m a parent.”

I had never heard this objection from Alyssa before. Surprised, I asked her, “Oh really? Why wouldn’t you read your own kids texts?

She said, “Because that’s just wrong.”

Alyssa has never been one to mince words.

I chuckled and filed the conversation for later, but I was intrigued. This was one of those rules that we rarely enforced. Well, maybe that’s not entirely true. The rule states that we have the right to look at texts at any time, and that right was definitely enforced—we did exercise the ability to do that at any time. We just haven’t done it very often. I’ve probably looked at Alyssa’s texts once this entire year (and it actually resulted in a pretty good conversation).

So why did this particular rule irk Alyssa?

This was just one of the guidelines that we had come up with as a family. In the workshop I had encouraged parents to not only build relationships with their kids, but also build lasting values. After talking a little about setting some fair boundaries, I gave the group some examples of some guidelines that we have in our house. I told them, “These aren’t necessarily guidelines that every parent needs to set, but these are some guidelines that have really helped our kids.” Guidelines like, we talk about every song we buy.

Reflecting on my list, Alyssa didn’t mind the music guidelines, just this texting one: Parents can read their kids texts at any time. Kids need to ask permission to delete their texts.

This morning I revisited the conversation. “Alyssa, I’d like to hear more about your objecting to the ‘I can look at your texts at any time’ rule. Why do you not like that rule?”

Without hesitation she responded, “Because if you trust your kids, then why do you need to look at their texts?”

So I decided to blog about the situation, sharing a little about the “release of control” parents often extend as their daughters get older. I then asked my readers to chime in with their two cents on the situation, and received some really amazing responses. I encourage you to check it out here.

What about you? Do you think Alyssa is right?

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Some of you have already been hearing the buzz about our brand new YouTube videos for parents, R U Listening?

Last Thursday night we officially launched both the YouTube page and Facebook page, uploading two new videos by Friday morning. (Be sure and jump on the Facebook page today and “LIKE” us.)

The purpose is simple. We want to provide a resource where parents can listen to the felt needs of teenagers today, and think about healthy responses. My daughter Ashley hosts the show, sharing a teenage perspective, then each week we’ll hear responses from some parenting speaker and authors.

You’ll see an intro video called WATCH THIS FIRST, then we already released our first video in the series, with my response to a teenager named Natalie in Cincinnati who raises a good question about a double standard she perceives in her home. Here’s the first video:

I’m loving the potential for this resource for two reasons:

1. Parents love tools that help them better understand young people today, and R U Listening provides a very honest teenage perspective, also providing some healthy way to respond.
2. Each little video is only two to three minutes long. Parents want help, but they are busy! It’s nice how quick and accessible this resource is.

Help me spread the word to parents in your church and community. Jump on our www.Facebook.com/TheSource4Parents page and “LIKE” us today. Then ask your parents . . . R U Listening?

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Last month my youngest daughter Ashley (14) asked me if she could read the newest Harry Potter book. I’m not thrilled about the series, but let’s be honest . . . the pressure is on. I don’t know many parents at my church who DON’T let their kids read this series.

Harmless . . . right?

This is just a continuation of a decade-long discussion that began with my son Alec years ago when all his friends were reading the series. Now, years later, with the success of the Twilight series, the market is infiltrated with books about vampires, ghosts, witches, etc.

Are we being irrational and prude to want something a little less . . . demonic for our daughters to read? How about something a little less about relationships with forbidden males? What ever happened to Little House on the Prairie.

Rather than chiming in with my own two cents on the subject, I’d love to just point you to a video I just saw today of Mark Driscoll talking about today’s fiction targeted toward our daughters. Mark, a father of a 13-year-old girl, is very candid about the subject, as you’ll see:

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If you’re like me, you’re always on the lookout for a good movie for a “Daddy-Daughter Date.”

This Christmas break, look no further than We Bought a Zoo.

From the writer/director who penned famous lines like, “You had me at hello” and “You complete me” comes a film with the same creativity and heart. Filmmaker Cameron Crowe is back with a touching story starring Matt Damon, Scarlet Johansson and an amazing little child-actress by the name of Maggie Elisabeth Jones that is going to capture your heart the moment you see her.

Set in Southern California, a father (Matt Damon) moves his young family to the countryside to renovate and re-open a struggling zoo. This heartwarming tale takes you on a journey of emotions. You’ll be laughing one moment and grabbing a Kleenex the next.

I loved this movie, my favorite this year. It’s the whole package, and believe it or not, it’s clean (just PG).

It releases in the theaters on December 23rd. You won’t want to miss this one.

You can read my whole two cents on the film here.

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