Have you ever considered the power of “noticing?”

For the last few days I’ve been working on a book that I’m writing to dads of teenage girls. As I’m researching the subject and reflecting on my experiences in 20 years of youth ministry, I can say without hesitation that a daughter’s relationship with her dad is much more important than most people realize.

Sadly, the best evidence to this theory is what happens when a dad isn’t there. Girls with absent fathers often seek male attention elsewhere.

It’s as simple as this: our girls need to hear they are beautiful. They need to feel safe. They need male attention and advice. They can either hear it from their dads . . . or they’ll seek it somewhere else.

Dads need to do more than just tell their daughters that they are beautiful; they need to treat them like they’re beautiful. This is much deeper than just opening the car door for them (although that’s a great practice). This means devoting ourselves to something that most men are terrible at: noticing.

Men need to learn the secret of noticing. This simple but amazing tool opens up doors in any relationship (marriage, friendships), but it works especially well with teenage girls because:

1. They crave to be noticed . . .

and . . .

2. Not a lot of people take the time to notice them . . . other than predators.

Scary thought, huh?

If you want to help protect your daughter from the vulnerability of predators, the best way to do that is to fill that void in their life with positive attention from the male that should be giving that attention in the first place.

Dads should definitely tell their daughters, “I love you,” and “You’re beautiful.” But they need to do more than just verbalizing it. They need to live it.

The best tool to living out those words is by practicing the art of noticing. Dads say “I love you” and “You are beautiful” in a more powerful way by simply noticing.

What about you?

What are some ways you can “notice” your daughters in daily life?

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One of my first posts on this blog was about knocking down a wall in my house between my girls’ rooms.

No, it wasn’t in anger (although I’ve felt like knocking down a few walls at times), but it wasper their request. My two girls, teenaged sisters, wanted to room together. (I know . .  weird . . . more about that here).

It’s been a year since we knocked the wall down, and they moved into bunk beds in one room. The idea was for them to become better friends. The question is, Did it work?

This is an interesting dynamic for sisters—being forced to get along with someone and share space. We always explain that their relationship with each other is good practice for future relationships: college roommates . . . post-college roommates . . . and their husbands! They always reply, “But don’t I get to choose my husband?”

The moving into the same room has it drawbacks. I think the biggest drawback is what I would define as “bickering.” I don’t know many parents who don’t witness this out of their kids. In my girls room it’s petty little disagreements.

“Alyssa, did you set the alarm?”

“No, you always set it.”

“Exactly. Why don’t you set it for once?”

“Because you don’t like the way I set it, so I let you do it.”

“But I’m in the top bunk . . . you’re right there!”

“Sorry. Your job!”

This can go on for about 20 minutes.

Last night the power went off in our house. This morning they were talking about their banter last night. Apparently it went like this:

“Alyssa, why did the night light just turn off?”

“The power is off. Who cares! Go to sleep.”

“But now our alarm isn’t set for the morning. We should set our phones.”

“Go ahead.”

“Alyssa . . . aren’t you going to set it?”

“Why don’t you set it?”

It sounds as if this went on for about 20 minutes.

How can we, as parents, turn situations like these into teaching moments?

I always try to implement two practices in these instances:

#1. Use Questions Instead of Lectures

When my kids disagree, my tendency is to begin preaching a long sermon on “love one another.” This doesn’t usually have the desired effect. Instead of lecturing, try asking questions and making them come up with their own conclusions.

“So when you’re married some day, will you always ask your husband to get up and set the alarm?”

“How do you think that will go over?”

“Do you like it when your sister always asks you to get up and do something?”

“How would you feel if your sister got up and said, ‘I’ll set the alarm. What time would you like it set for?’”

Or how about bringing up some biblical truth . . . which leads me to my second practice . . .

#2. Point to Scripture

When possible, it’s nice to be able to give a glimpse of what the Bible says on the subject matter. In this case, I brought up Philippians 2:3 and 4, the “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit” verses. I follow that up with questions:

“What would ‘do nothing out of selfish ambition’ look like in our house?”

“What would ‘consider others better than yourselves’ look like?”

A combination of the above practices seems to do the trick, not every time, but a dash here and there.

How about you?

How do you teach your girls to get along with each other?

What has worked?

What hasn’t worked?

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Wait . . . is this the wrong blog? Shouldn’t this be the “Dads of Teenage Boys” blog? Can dads really connect with their daughters through football?

Why not? Especially when it’s initiated by them!

It took me completely by surprise. Alyssa (my 16-year-old) just walked up to me a couple months ago and said, “Dad, can we watch football as a family?”

Let me give you some context here. I’ve been married to my cute little wife, Lori, for over 20 years. In my first year of marriage, I just assumed that football would be a normal “Monday night” occasion. I married a cheerleader for Pete’s sake! (That’s an entirely different blog. Let’s not go there right now.) But in our first year of marriage, I quickly realized two things:

1. Lori don’t know jack about football! The first time we watched a game together, I cheered, “First down!” Lori said, “What’s that?” Sigh.

2. Lori could care less if we watched football. Don’t get me wrong, Lori wasn’t ever against football. We’ve always enjoyed Super Bowl parties and occasional game nights with my parents . . . but for the last 20 years we have not been a football family.

This was a little weird for me at first. When I grew up, we watched Monday Night Football religiously every week. If it was Monday night, I was ready for a steady diet of Howard Cosell and pizza. (Do you miss Howard? I think I do.)

So I was pretty thrilled when Alyssa took an interest in football.

I think it started because of a flag football league that she played in with our church. She got a little bit of the football fever and wanted to learn more about it. I began talking to her about four downs, when to punt, when to kick a field goal, how many points for a safety, etc. Pretty fun stuff.

Eventually she asked if we could watch some games together. We watched a few games, and before long, she needed a team to route for. So that’s when I told her, “Well, you know your dad has been a Bronco fan since he was a little kid!” I showed her pictures of myself as a five-year-old with my little Bronco jacket. She seemed intrigued.

I crossed my fingers as she pondered which team to follow. The closest team to us is Oakland. Heaven forbid that a Raider fan grow up in my house!

Luckily, I was speaking in Colorado Springs the next weekend, and I brought home some Bronco apparall for each of my girls. “Oooooooo . . . this is cute!” Alyssa immediately chimed in, trying it on—on the spot!

Now I have a Bronco fan! We watched two games together this past weekend. Lori even joined in for one of them.

The principle isn’t foreign. It’s Parenting 101: find things that your family likes to do together . . . and do plenty of it! Believe it or not, football has been opening some fun doors for conversation in the McKee house lately.

God is good to me!

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Last night I switched gears in my Parenting the Texting Generation workshop. About an hour into my workshop I decided to spend a little more time discussing how we can use media to open doors to conversations with our kids. Then I played a pretty graphic music video . . . from the number one song across all the charts right now (#1 on Billboard’s Hot 100, Nielsen, and on iTunes), Rihanna’s We Found Love.

After watching the video I told the parents candidly, “I guess most of you would hope that your kids haven’t seen that video, but what if they have? Would you overreact . . . or use it to ‘interact’ with them?”

Why is this song connecting with young girls especially? Think about it…

• Do today’s teenage girls ever feel hopeless? Check.
• Do they ever enter bad relationships because of low self-esteem? Check.
• In their quest for love and acceptance, do they ever engage in dangerous and risky activities like drinking, doing drugs and having sex? Check. Check. Check.

Rihanna’s new song and video are connecting with a generation that is looking for love in a hopeless place. Sadly, the gratuitously explicit music video (watched by tens of millions) isn’t offering any answers other than hoping the good stuff will numb the bad. Her words?

“And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you can have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.”

If your kids have seen this video, it’s a powerful springboard for discussion. Let me give you a deeper look at what this song and video are communicating.

This video is actually very compelling. In the same way the despondent Solomon cries “meaningless” in the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, Rihanna sounds a cry of desperation through this music video, painting a graphic picture of an unhealthy relationship where two people find each other, make out, do drugs, have sex, do more drugs, lose all their money on a gambling spree, shoplift, fight, have angry sex, do more drugs, give each other tattoos, fight more, break up . . . and then feel the pain of being alone (lot’s of graphic imagery there).

It’s in this vulnerable aftermath, feeling alone, reflecting back on the relationship that the opening words to this powerful video are spoken by Rihanna . . . a message of hurt, a cry of desperation, and in this hopeless moment, an admission that she’d almost be willing to go through all that pain and risky behaviors . . . if she could just feel that temporary comfort of the “good” moments one last time! A real perspective, shared by many no doubt.

The music video opens with Rihanna saying these words:

It’s like screaming and no one can hear

You almost feel ashamed that someone can be that important

And without them you feel like nothing

No one will ever understand how much it hurts

You feel hopeless like nothing can save you

And when it’s over and it’s gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so that you could have the good.

Not long ago we probably could have sat around speculating whether this video would resonate with a generation of young girls who feel hopeless and are looking for some “good” moments in relationships, in drugs, in sexual activity, in drinking, etc. But fast forward to the present and we have our answer. This generation loves this song. I’d go on a limb to say that people are “connecting” with this song.

Sadly, the answers from this song are “temporary thrills.” The summary of the music video is basically . . . even though I feel hopeless, empty and in pain, I almost would do it all over again just so I could have those good moments.

This temporary thrills mindset is a great discussion provoker. That’s why I opted to show it to parents in my workshop and encourage them to not overact, but instead interact with them about what they heard.” Maybe even ask question like:

Is there a love that has more to it than temporary thrills?

Is there a love that doesn’t end in disappointment?

I’m not happy with all the images I see in this video. I’m even more disturbed that this generation relates to this feeling. But I’m hopeful that parents and caring adult role models can respond with “interaction” instead of “over-reaction.”

What about you?

Have your kids seen this video?

Do kids in your community feel like this?

Can you, like Paul in Acts 17, use these words of the “pagan poets” to steer toward a conversation about Christ, teaching Biblical truth?

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My girls made me proud Monday night. They were secure enough in themselves to not be sexy. That’s a pretty bold move in a world where sexy is becoming the norm.

Halloween is one of those times where the pressure is on young girls to be sexy. If you don’t believe me, just Google “teenage Halloween costumes” and click on the first thing you see. I just did.

“SuperGirl”

“Pretty Pirate”

“Sassie the Clown”

“Kandy Korn Cute Tween Girl’s Costume”

One thing for sure, these are NOT the costumes Mom wore when she was a kid!

Today’s young girls feel the pressure more than ever before to to dress too sexy too soon. We’re witnessing the symptoms of a society that values “sexuality” over other characteristics. It’s what the American Psychological Association defines as “sexualization.”

It starts with the normal feelings of insecurity.

“Am I pretty enough?”

“Do I measure up?”

These are the questions young girls ask themselves when they look in the mirror, touching up make-up, running the flat iron through their hair that one last time trying to make it perfect.  Any father of teen and tween girls has witnessed this. Even the most beautiful of today’s young girls often struggle with feelings of “too fat,” “too much acne,” “boobs too small”…

Enter “sexualization” stage left.

Sexualization is the media’s solution to insecurity. It works like this: guys notice me when I’m overtly sexual (low tops, short shorts, provocative in words and action), and being noticed is what I want, right?

It’s normal for young girls to want to be noticed. It’s up to parents to teach their daughters what is truly valuable.

This year my girls opted out of “sexy.”

This past weekend Lori and I went costume shopping with our girls. Have you been costume shopping lately? Today’s teenage girls don’t want to be a pumpkin or a clown. Costume retailers know that sexy is in. Skirts need to be short and tops need to be alluring.  That’s where my kids stepped away from the norm. I became aware of that fact the moment they asked me where to shop for their costumes. “Dad, can we go to the thrift store?”

This year my girls decided to be sweet little old ladies.

It was actually pretty fun shopping for “old lady” costumes. Alyssa (on the right) found the perfect “crafty” sweater and Ashley (on the left) the perfect comfy pants that went up past her belly button. Some glasses and ultimate comfy shoes… and whalah! Sweet little old ladies.

It will be interesting to see what our future holds. Will “sexy” stay the norm? Or will young people eventually grow numb and look for something else? A lot depends on the frequency and depth of the conversations that take place between kids and their parents or caring adult role models.

Hmmmmmm.

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Brianna, age 5. Favorite film: Barbie Swan Lake.

Brianna, age 10: Favorite film: Harry Potter

Brianna, age 15: Favorite film: Paranormal Activity

Sound like a stretch? Do you know what the No. 1 film at the box office was last weekend, opening at $54 million, leaving all other films in its wake? It was Paranormal Activity 3, the story of two young girls who befriend an invisible entity living in their house.

Why is it that young people are fascinated with these types of films?

Scary stories have always intrigued people. When I was a kid, going camping with my family, my dad would tell these frightening stories around the campfire about a man with a hook or a creature that made sounds like “thump” and “slush.” My brother and I loved these stories and would always yell, “Another! Another! Tell another!”

My own daughter Alyssa loves scary movies. I’m a big movie fan, so I’ve introduced her to classic Alfred Hitchcock movies like The Birds and Psycho. One of our favorite films to date is M. Night Shyamalan’s incredibly frightening Signs.

But while I’m watching tame films like this, kids across the country are renting films like the brutally violent Saw movies or simply watching the sexually explicit True Blood on HBO week after week. Shows like the latter two I just named have cashed in by showing gratuitous violence, sex and nudity. Those elements have always been big sellers.

So what is the draw of the Paranormal Activity films?

People love to be frightened, and what is more frightening than Satan and his demons? I don’t mean to sound like the church lady, but let’s be honest. Nothing is more real and horrifying.

So what should parents say when their kids ask if they can see Paranormal Activity 3?

I know about 90 percent of parents at my church would say, “No.” (I would, too.)

I just want to challenge you to think about “Why?” (After all, you might get asked that very question.) What reason would you give?

“It has Satan . . . or demons in it!”

Yeah . . .but Passion of the Christ had Satan in it.

“I don’t want you watching any films about ghosts or witchcraft!”

What about Harry Potter? What about Lord of the Rings? Do you let your kids watch those?

I’ll be the first to argue the miles of difference between Lord of the Rings and Paranormal Activity 3 . . . but are you ready for that conversation with your kids?

When I’ve had similar conversations with my kids, we looked at what the Bible as a whole had to say about witchcraft, divination and the devil himself. The Scriptures are pretty clear that we should steer clear of witchcraft and divination (Deuteuronomy 18:10, 2 Kings 9:22, 2 Chronicles 33:6, Micah 5:12, and Galatians 5:20), and the devil is obviously a roaring lion (I Peter 5:8) not to be messed with.

Jesus himself constantly healed the demon possessed, freeing people from this terrible oppression. So it’s clear that we shouldn’t take part in these kind of activities (witchcraft, etc.). Most our kids wouldn’t argue that. But does that mean that we shouldn’t even read stories about it? Watch movies about it? What about the Bible . . . it tells stories about the subject in great detail. But is that for entertainment or knowledge?

C.S. Lewis, in his classic book, The Screwtape Letters, writes the following about the devil and his demons:

“There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve their existence. The other is to believe and feel an unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors in them and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.”

Lewis’ point is wise and discerning. As parents, let’s not ignore the subject. Conversations about the topic are necessary even. But at the same time . . . let’s not be overly intrigued with it. Satan loves either extreme.

What about you? Which extreme do you gravitate toward?

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Parenting isn’t easy. It’s a constant balancing act:

Am I being too strict?

Am I being too lenient?

Both those questions came within minutes of each other after my Parenting the Texting Generation workshop this weekend in New York. Today’s parents seem to struggle finding a balance between being to hard and too soft on their kids. Most parents know that they need to “set the bar” somewhere, but the world’s bar is barely above sea level . . . and that’s making our job as parents very difficult today.

Let’s be honest. It’s hard to tell your 16-year-old girl she can’t go to the homecoming dance when every other girl from church (including the homeschooled kid) is going. On the other hand, how do you send your little girl to a dance where you know about 80 percent of the girls in the room aren’t even face-to-face with their dates . . . they’re “backing it up” to the guy groping them from behind while listening to the “clean version” of Sexy and I Know It.

How should parents go about setting biblical standards without pushing their kids over the edge?

In my conversations with parents tonight I found myself saying the same advice again and again, so I thought it might be good to put some of these broad principles in print.

Here’s a few principles parents should remember when setting guidelines:

1. Relationship first. All the rest of the principles below are assuming that you’re already hanging out with your kids, listening to your kids, and engaging in activities with your kids that catalyst conversation. If your daughter likes yogurt, do “fro-yo” runs once a week with her and just listen to her heart. If your son likes french fries and pancakes (at the same time), frequent your local greasy spoon and listen to him as you both load up with senseless carbs. The “where” isn’t important. Just connect with your kids regularly so they feel loved, noticed and heard. That being said…
2. Parents are in charge—teens aren’t (despite what the Disney Channel tells us). Yes, this generation seems to declare entitlement even more than past generations, but in most cases, parents still pay the cell phone bills, provide food and shelter (I listed those in order of priority for teenagers today). So feel free to take away cell phones, cars, and revoke other privileges if your teenager doesn’t obey. Let me say it even more clear: a cell phone is a privilege, not a right. If your son or daughter is violating your trust, take away the cell phone. They’d prefer that you deny them water.
3. Always clearly communicate your standards and the resulting punishment that you’ll enforce if said standards aren’t met. Sound simple? It should be; but sadly, most parents don’t do this. Just lay it out. Tell Jordon, “If you download another song without permission, I’ll take away your iPod and computer privileges for a month.” Or, “If you text after bedtime, you lose your phone for a month.”
4. Take the time to follow up with the standards you set. If you say, “No cell phones after bedtime” (a good standard), jump online to your cell phone provider’s web site randomly and check to see that no texts were sent during that time. If you tell your kids that you can read their Facebook account at any time (another good standard), then log on randomly and read through their posts, messages and various friends’ pages. You can learn a lot. Don’t set a standard if you don’t plan on following up with it.
5. Follow thru with your clearly communicated punishment “with love.” It’s actually possible to enforce punishment without yelling. This is the same kid that you spend time with regularly (see #1 above). Don’t let their violation of rules stifle your time together. They should clearly see that nothing they do could separate them from your love and desire to listen to them.

These are just a few broad strokes to consider. They’ve helped me; they might help you.

I spend an entire chapter of my book, Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent talking about discipline and follow-through.

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Last month if you popped on Yahoo’s front page, you might have seen an article titled, “My Toddler has a TV in his Room and I’m Not Sorry.” In this dogmatic article, the author asserts her reasoning from the getgo:

I make no apology for the fact that my toddler has a TV in his room for one very simple reason:

Kids love TV and parents love that kids love TV.

I mean, I know I do.

Well . . . there you have it. Case closed. I mean, after all, kids love TV and so do we.

I can’t wait until her toddler grows into a teenager. Teenagers love sex, and so do we. So they should have it in their room, right? (Believe me, some believe that they should) And some teenagers love inhalants. So we should probably let them sniff these wonderfully addictive drugs, right?

Okay, maybe I’m pushing the envelope. But can I just please ask for a little more reasoning than “They like it!”

What do the experts say?

Interestingly enough, most the experts do chime in on the subject. For example: last year the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) released a study titled, “Sexuality, Contraception, and the Media.” This report recommended that parents “keep their children’s bedroom free of TVs and Internet connections.”

The Kaiser Foundation did some sobering research on the subject as well in their M2 report last year. Here’s just a snippet of our article summarizing the findings from that report:

Part of the reason kids are watching more television these days is also due to the fact that 71 percent of them have a TV in their bedroom (and 49 percent of them have cable or satellite access there, too). KFF’s study clearly showed that kids who have TVs in their bedrooms watched an hour more of programming each day than kids who did not have a TV in their rooms.

The effects of extended TV watching are well-documented: it plays a role in kids starting sex earlier. In fact, multiple studies have observed this disturbing trend.

But, according to KFF’s report, less than half of kids’ parents (46 percent) have rules about what sort of television content they can watch. And a mere 28 percent of kids’ parents have rules about how much time can be spent watching TV.

It’s pretty clear—parents who actually create media guidelines for their kids are in the minority. Sadly . . . many parents would rather not know what their kids are watching. Out of sight, out of mind.

So who do you believe? Mrs. I Love TV . . . or a large group of respected pediatricians that are concerned with the choices young people are making today?

The AAP report mentioned above has some positive news for parents who choose to listen:

• Teenagers whose parents control their TV-viewing habits are less sexually experienced
• Adolescents whose parents limit their TV-viewing are less likely to engage in early sex.

(I go into greater detail in my blog about that report.)

So what about you? What media guidelines do you think should be put into place in homes today?

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I want to have a good relationship with my kids, but I also need respect. Where is that line between parent and friend?

On one hand, we have the Billy Ray Cyrus kind of parent. Billy Ray, known for his permissive parenting with his daughter Miley Cyrus, eventually regretted being the “friend” parent. Looking back in 20/20 he said, “I should have been a better parent.”

On the other hand, we have the disciplinarian parent. These are the dads or moms who are so focused on rules, they forget about the importance of a relationship with their kids. They are a mere parole officer, checking in with their kids to see if they are doing their chores, getting good grades, and obeying the rules of the house.

Where is the balance between friend and disciplinarian?

“I walk that line.”

Good parents need to do both. Effective parents need to be relational but consistent with rules. These parents aren’t some Nazi-rule-enforcers. They simply care enough to mean what they say. If they say, “Be home at 11 p.m.,” that means be home at 11 p.m.

What about when your teenager comes home at 11:08? Here’s where parenting can become a little bit of a challenge. What do you do?

1. Ground them for a week. “I said 11 o’clock, not 11:08!”
2. Let it go. Don’t even mention it.
3. Have them flogged and thrown in the basement!

How about another option? How about lovingly walking up to him and saying, “I’m so glad your home safe. Did you have a fun night?”

After chatting with him for a while, say this: “I’m glad you’re home and had a good time, but one small thing. Tonight you were 8 minutes late. I’m giving you grace tonight. No punishment at all. But next time, you’re going to come home 15 minutes early. Don’t even ask me what happens if you’re late then. You don’t want to know. Understand?”

Let me be candid with you. This isn’t a “popular” stance to take with your kids. You would be way more “cool” in their opinion if you were “chill” about the whole thing.

Billy Ray was “chill” about parenting—just ask him.

Parenting is a balance of rules and a relationship. Good parents talk with their kids, shop with their kids, eat with their kids, and pray with their kids. They see “hanging out with their kid” as a priority. They know their kids and listen to them. And when it comes time to enforce a rule, they lovingly do so.

Do you walk the line? What does this look like in your house?

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Last week in my personal blog I had a contest where parents and youth workers submitted their best conversation-starters that they used with their teenagers.

Over 100 comments were posted, including some amazing questions that help “break the ice” with our teenagers.

Here are the Top 12 questions from that bunch:

• If you could go back in time and tell yourself one thing before you started high school, what would it be?

• If you could change one thing about your high school, what would it be?

• What do you think is one of the biggest misconceptions people have about teenagers?

• Is there anything you would willingly give your life for?

• You have to eat the exact same meal for the next 12 months. What do you pick?

• What’s the best birthday present you could ever imagine receiving, and who would you want to receive it from?

• If you could know the date of your death, would you want to?

• If you could go back and change one thing about this week, what would it be?

• You’ve just sat down to use the restroom when you notice there is no toilet paper. What do you use and why? (Gross, but hilarious.)

• If you were stuck in an elevator for 24 hours with one person, who would you like that person to be?

• What was the last thing you cried about? (My wife loved that one. She said it would have been a great one for her small group of girls).

• If you were stranded on a desert island and you could take three items, what items would you take and why?

Click here for a page on our youth ministry website where we posted over 100 of these discussion-starter questions.

Try some of these great questions with your kids!

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