My oldest son was a freshman in high school when we purchased our first Xbox.

We’d put it off for years, listening to endless complaints about being “the only family in the world who doesn’t have one.” But my husband and I were afraid the moment the video gaming system entered our home, things would change. It’d draw our boys away from homework, away from playing outside, away from family time over dinner and a movie.

As our boys got older, we wanted to make the basement into a game room our boys would be proud to bring their friends. And so we revisited the conversation about video gaming, eventually buying an Xbox.

It’s now been five years. And I could probably count on my hands and feet the number of weeks that have passed without at least one conflict regarding the Xbox. (It usually starts with the question, “Have you finished your homework?”)

But gaming isn’t entirely evil. When I was in high school, Space Invaders and Pac Man were my games of choice. I remember many Saturdays and summer days playing with my brother and our neighbor friends. I’m now a well-adjusted and (relatively) responsible grown-up who rarely plays, convincing me that video games aren’t necessarily destructive long term, if moderated.

Did you know:

• 97 percent of teens ages 12-17 play computer, web, portable or console games

• Younger teen boys are the most likely to play games

• 65 percent of daily gamers are male, 35 percent are female

• For most teens, gaming is a social activity; 67 percent play with people in the room with them, 27 percent through an internet connection

• 79 percent of Mature and Adult-Only game players are boys

• 62 percent of parents of gamers say that video games have no effect on their child one way or the other

• Playing video games for as little as an hour can cause a boy to eat more throughout the rest of the day

• Teens play video games on average of two hours per day, more so for those on the younger end of that range. This does not include additional hours logged onto a computer or cell phone.

I’m not going to argue the benefits and dangers of video game usage (yes, evidence indicates both). And I’m not going to tell you to kick the PS3 to the curb, although in some cases it may be the right decision. Those are conversations you and your husband need to have together. For now, I have a few guidelines to help you navigate this issue:

• Do your homework. You expect your son to do his, so make sure you don’t slack on yours! Don’t be a mom who chooses ignorance. Use the Internet to read up on different games. Learn the lingo. Talk with those in the industry. Get as much information as you can. Your son already knows more than you do, so you have some catching up to do. To get started, check out Plugged In Online (http://www.PluggedIn.com) and Common Sense Media (http://www.commonsensemedia.org).

• Research video game ratings. The Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) provides impartial information on games so you can make an educated choice for your child. You can find out information on rating symbols and content descriptors on their website: http://www.esrb.org/ratings/ratings_guide.jsp

• Establish limits and stick with them. You are the parent. You pay for the technology and the electricity to keep them going. That means you have the right (and obligation) to set boundaries that work for your household. In our house, video games are off limits on school nights. On the weekends, we establish a two-hour time limit. Most of the sources I’ve read state a one-to-two hour time limit is appropriate.

• Balance video game usage with alternative activities. When my son comes downstairs with bleary and bloodshot eyes, I know he’s been on the Xbox too long. I respond by shutting it down and encouraging him to do something unrelated to a screen (computer, Xbox, cell phone). We call it “no screen time.” Once I remove the temptation of a screen-related activity, he usually comes up with a healthy alternative: hanging out with friends, a bike ride, jumping on the trampoline in the backyard, etc.

• Play with him. I know, I know. It’s the last thing I want to do, too. But occasionally playing a video game with your son might not be such a bad idea. As little as 30 minutes can give you a better education than hours reading on the Internet. It will also give you insight into your son’s world and, hopefully, will demonstrate you care enough to initiate an ongoing dialogue.

How big of a player are video games in your home?

Sources:

http://michiganstate.academia.edu/vitak/Papers/390879/Teens_Video_Games_and_Civics

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/05/04/video-games-make-kids-eat/?asid=c7f4cf6c

http://www.csudh.edu/psych/ADHDVideoGames3.htm

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I have a love-hate relationship with technology.

Sure, I probably wouldn’t survive without my cell phone and MacBook Pro. But sometimes I wonder how much more productive I’d be without the constant distraction of the technology tools that claim to make my life easier. It seems I’m always using technology or trying to fix it.

When it comes to my boys and technology, they’re in even deeper than I. It wasn’t until late high school and college that technology became a player in my life. I remember our first VCR when I was 16 years old. A year later, my younger brother began touting all the reasons why our family should purchase a computer. I disagreed, arguing how unnecessary it was. After all, I was the proud owner of a self-correcting typewriter. What could be better than that?

Today my teenage sons juggle laptops, smartphones, Facebook accounts, text messages, iPods and countless other technology tools. Every day. It’s no wonder they struggle to manage the various other details of their lives.

This month we’re talking about technology and your teen. Technology in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. Without MapQuest I’d be lost 90 percent of the time. Without cell phones I’d wouldn’t know when to pick up my youngest son from cross country practice. Without my laptop, I wouldn’t be able to write this post outside on my deck, with a view of the changing leaves and the feel of fall on my skin. When out of balance, however, technology can be the single-most destructive (and potentially addictive) habit in a person’s life.

As parents, we’re the first line of defense when it comes to our teens and technology. It’s our job to educate ourselves on what’s out there, evaluate the pros and cons, learn how to manage it ourselves, and then teach our children the skills needed to utilize technology appropriately. Remember, the goal is to manage technology, not to let technology manage us.

Before we dive into this month’s subject, give me a glimpse of your experience. What technology tools are used in your home? How do they benefit your household and family? When it comes to your teenage son, what’s your biggest technology-related challenge?

I’ll get us started: mine starts with an “X” and ends with a “BOX.”

(sigh)

Can’t wait to hear from you. See you next week!

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“Integrity needs no defense.”

He said it more times than I could count. Problem was I had no idea what Dad meant. He repeated these four words when I dealt with a difficult friendship at school or faced the consequences of decisions at home. It didn’t matter the scene or the characters, Dad wanted me to know that “integrity needs no defense.”

Great, Dad. But what does that mean?

I figured it out years later, though not in singular moment in time. I grew to understand the heart of his message through a series of events, groups I led, and relationships I navigated, even being married and a mother to three boys.

What he meant, at least in part, was this:

If you lead a life of integrity today, you won’t have to defend your reputation tomorrow.

Choosing to behave with character now will save you from added heartache then. Sure, people will disappoint you, and situations will arise that cause you grief. But when the mean girl at school spreads a rumor about you, your reputation will let everyone know she’s lying without you ever having to say a word.

Good advice.

Integrity isn’t just this lofty, up-in-the-clouds pursuit. It has purpose and value in the details of daily life. Even for your teenage son. Whether at school, work, home or football practice, integrity is the best asset he can offer. Below I’ve listed a few questions to ponder together as you and your son explore what it means to live a life of integrity today. (But don’t drown him with all of these at once!)

School:

• Do you know anyone at school (students or teachers) who exemplifies integrity?

• What does he/she do to make you think that integrity is important?

• What kinds of situations are the most difficult to do the right thing?

• Think back on a time when you made the right choice, even when it was tough. How did it make you feel? Would you do the same thing again?

• How does integrity impact: homework, the way you treat your teachers, what you talk about during lunch, how you relate to girls, etc.?

• How about sports or other extracurricular activities? What does integrity look like at football practice or debate club? Should it impact the words you use on the field or in the locker room? How about sportsmanship—is being a good sport a sign of integrity? How so?

Work:

• How much to you think your boss values integrity?

• Do those you work with (employer, co-workers) demonstrate integrity? How so?

• What kind of personal choices might demonstrate a commitment to integrity in your job? (i.e. showing up on time, not taking extra long breaks, how you treat customers, etc.)

• What possibilities benefits might you realize by choosing to act with integrity at work?

Home:

• Do Dad and I demonstrate integrity? If so, how?

• Are there times when you’ve seen us compromise character? Explain. (I promise you won’t be grounded!)

• How does a lack of integrity impact a family?

• How does a commitment to integrity impact a family?

• What attitudes and actions demonstrate a commitment to character and integrity at home? By your parents? Your siblings? You?

• How about your siblings? Is integrity important when dealing with your brother(s)/sister(s)? How can you be a man of honor with them?

• Think of some ways you’ve shown integrity in the past. Share what happened and the choice you made.

• We’re not always going to demonstrate integrity perfectly. What role does grace play when it comes to character?

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“Do what I say, not what I do.”

For generations, parents have wielded this snappy one-liner to encourage a child’s good behavior while excusing their own.

It didn’t make much sense to me as a kid. And it still doesn’t. Why would a child adhere to something Mom and Dad don’t do? It’s tough enough for a teenager to make the right choice without watching their parents set a double standard.

For the past two weeks, we’ve discussed the importance of being intentional about teaching integrity. But now I’m talking about modeling it. So which is it? Is integrity taught or caught?

I think it’s a marriage of both. Lessons on honesty don’t mean much when Mom calls in sick so she can go shopping. And it’s tough to listen to Dad lecture on respecting authority when he’s speeding down Main Street, 20 miles over the limit.

Integrity begins with example. If you don’t value it, your son won’t either. If honesty is optional in your life and relationships, then your son will see right through your criticism of his cheating on his science test.

But simply modeling integrity isn’t enough. Although maturing, our sons are still in process. They look to us for guidance, insight and wisdom, even if they adamantly deny it. Besides, coaching our kids in the ways of our Father is God’s call on us as parents.

God said as much in Deuteronomy 6:6-9:

“Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.”

Teaching your son integrity requires a tag-team approach. Learn what it means to live with integrity, and strive to live it out as best you can. Ask God to illuminate cracks in your character, and then choose to live differently because of what He reveals.

Of course, you’ll never achieve perfection. Your character will never be flawless, in spite of how hard you try to live right. But as you learn to lead a life of integrity, teach your son to do the same.

What could be more beautiful than the both of you walking the journey of integrity authentically, together?

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“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn . . .”

Psalm 119:71

The thought jarred me. I didn’t expect it so early; the sun hadn’t been up for more than an hour or two. But it came anyway:

Circumstances illuminate character.

We know this, of course. As women and mothers, we’ve experienced enough life to know that stressful circumstances can reveal attitudes we’d rather kept hidden.

But then I thought about another type of circumstance. What about success? In a moment success can change the hue of circumstances, bringing welcome relief, maybe even reward. But that’s when the more powerful—and surprising—thought shook me up:

The light of success, too, illuminates character. But whereas hardship compels you cling the Father, success deceives you into thinking safety is already yours. More often than not, you let the Father’s hand go.

Although my ego would prefer success to hardship, I’ve learned I need difficulty to keep me at the feet of Jesus. Plain and simple. Success tempts me to coast and compromise. Hardship keep my knees on the floor.

Our sons might need to experience the same. I loathe the thought of watching my boys experience any pain or suffering. In fact, most of my prayers ask God to grant them some sort of success:

Help Jacob on his math test today.

Give Ryan extra confidence at his job interview.

Guide Tyler as he competes in the skate competition.

Success isn’t a bad thing. God isn’t opposed to our success; the Bible says he desires to bless us. But both success and difficulty can shed light on character.

What does this have to do with our boys? By now your son is old enough to have experienced both success and failure. Maybe not on a large scale, but enough to know the thrill of one and the agony of the other. As you know, both will continue to come, as long as he lives. It’s simply a part of life.

Success and pain are ripe opportunities to teach integrity. When he gets robbed of the starting position on the football team, talk to him about the different possible ways to react to injustice. When he gets a raise at work, discuss how his integrity earned him blessing, but caution him about taking advantage of it.

Use everyday life experiences to open a discussion on what it means to be a man of integrity, how difficult it is to choose the righteous path, and the rewards when he chooses to walk in step with the Father.

How about you?

How have hardship or success illuminated your character? And are you willing to share your experiences as you coach your son?

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“Listen, my sons, to a father’s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding.” (Proverbs 4:1)

For the first nearly two decades of my life, I remember hearing my dad throw around a single word more than any other:

Integrity.

It’s the kind of word that’ll make a teenage girl’s eyes roll back in her head. “Integrity” sounded ominous, overwhelming, an impossible standard to live up to. And I wasn’t even sure I knew what it meant.

What is, in fact, integrity?

Merriam-Webster defines it as “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values; incorruptibility; soundness; the quality or state of being complete or undivided.”

Dictionary.com makes similar claim, including “soundness of moral character” and “honesty” as key elements.

Regardless of how it’s defined, integrity is a tall order. No wonder Dad was such a fan. More than good grades or soccer stats, he wanted his kids to live with honesty, according to a worthy moral code. Being a man of strong faith, he found that moral code in the Bible. And he strove to pass on his love for it to my brother and I.

Now that I’ve been a parent for almost two decades, I’d agree with him. More than anything else, I want my boys to be men of integrity. I don’t care so much what job they end up working or whether or not they get married. I want them to learn the key to success regardless of circumstances: being a man of integrity. And what I teach them now about character and integrity carries the potential to impact the men they become. Like echoes in a canyon, integrity will influence my children long after I’m gone.

It’s never too soon or too late to teach your son about integrity. Although they will learn some by your example, it’s requires intentional coaching as well. In the midst of talking about the value of hard work and the importance of respect, teaching integrity can’t be overlooked.

For the month of September we’ll be tackling this worthy subject. In the process, I hope we’ll each learn to be more intentional about teaching our boys the worth of a life of integrity. But even as I write this, I’m reminded of a powerful truth:

Integrity starts with you and me.

Do you believe integrity is important? Do you live it? Here are a few words from our Father on the subject. Be encouraged.

• “So be careful to do what the LORD your God has commanded you; do not turn aside to the right or to the left. Walk in all the way that the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live and prosper and prolong your days in the land that you will possess.” (Deuteronomy 5:32-33)

• “He holds victory in store for the upright, he is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of this faithful ones.” (Proverbs 2:7-8)

• “He who walks with the wise grows wise. But a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20)

• “The LORD detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases him.” (Proverbs 15:8)

• “The LORD is far from the wicked but he hears the prayer of the righteous.” (Proverbs 15:29)

• “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.” (Titus 2:12)

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For the past several weeks, I’ve been touting the value of hard work and all the many reasons why every teenage boy should get himself some kind of job.

But what if he won’t? What if you’ve told him to get off the couch, warned him of the dangers of excessive video game playing, and he still he refuses to show any signs of initiative?

Negotiating with an apathetic teenager can be more than a little frustrating. He’s bigger than you, and he thinks he doesn’t have to do a thing you say. You can scream at him, throw a fit, and maybe even add a few tears for manipulative effect. But the best way to motivate a lazy teenager isn’t with excessive emotions.

Let natural consequences give him the push that he needs.

Want to “encourage” your son to get a job or help out at home? You could always take away his phone, or ground him from hanging out with friends. But sometimes a natural consequence is just the fuel to get his engine going:

1. Make employment a condition of a car. Trust me, by the time he’s 16, he’s going to want to drive. You wouldn’t be allowed to sign a mortgage without proof of income. Why should get a car without the means to support it?

2. “Enjoying the benefits of family requires contributing to the family.” If we’ve said that phrase once, my husband and I have said it dozens of times. In order to benefit from the family (i.e. family vacations, movies, etc.), each member must contribute. And than includes cleaning the house, taking care of the lawn, getting the garbage to the curb . . . you get the idea.

3. Stop being his ATM. You’re not a bank. But as long as you keep handing out cash without consequence, your son has no motive to grow up. Truth is, if someone handed me cash every day, I’d probably choose to sleep and go to the movies, too!

If your goal is his ultimate comfort, then go right ahead. Give him everything he wants, and expect very little of him in return. If you’re goal is to help him transition into responsible adulthood, however, then stop being his fee-free ATM.

4. Provide him a copy of the bus schedule. Yes, that’s right. Although he will likely protest, it won’t kill him to ride the bus or take his bike. Actually, he could probably use the exercise. If he wants a car of his own, or his mom to give him a ride, he will need to get off the couch and learn how to work.

5. Make a list. Give him a list of to-do’s to take care of before he’s allowed to head to a friend’s house or hang out at the pool. If he doesn’t do it, he can’t go. Period.

As adults, we accept that responsibility is a part of our every day. We can’t escape it. Part of helping our boys become men is teaching them what it means to be an adult, how to handle responsibilities, while still within the safety of our home. A little discomfort now can save a lot of heartache later.

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Within a few weeks of starting his first job at a local grocery store, my son came home from work and collapsed on the sofa. After giving him some time to rest in front of the television, I gently reminded him:

“Don’t forget. Dad needs you to mow the lawn today.”

You would’ve thought I announced I’d be cutting off his left leg. He flew off the couch, indignant.

“What? Are you serious? I have a job now. I shouldn’t have to do stuff around here any more.”

Ahhhh, if only life’s math were that easy. I tried to explain to him that both his father and I have worked for years and taken care of the yard, the dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming, the . . .

His eyes glazed over and cheeks remained an angry shade of pink. In the mind of this teenager, a shift or two at the grocery store absolved him from any responsibility at home. Forever and ever amen.

Much to my son’s dismay, he did mow the lawn that day. And I still made dinner, even though I’d worked a full day. And my husband cleaned up the dishes after we ate, even though he didn’t get home from a customer’s house until after 6 o’clock.

That’s part of being a family.

We want our boys to be men who know how to work hard—at the office and at home. How the responsibilities are shared and accomplished now will impact how they support a wife and child(ren) someday.

In our family, we share all the housekeeping responsibilities. For the most part, I’ve always done the cooking. But otherwise, we pitch in to get everything else done.

For years I used colorful list, rotating the household responsibilities between the five of us each week. We posted the list in the kitchen, and everyone knew what had to be done before the following Sunday.

I used an Excel spreadsheet, but you could use a scratch piece of paper. To get you started, here’s a possible list of tasks:

• Vacuuming

• Mopping

• Cleaning a bathroom

• Taking out the trash

• Making dinner

• Picking up a few groceries

• Mowing the lawn

• Cleaning a bedroom

• Dusting the furniture

• Collecting donation items

• Raking leaves

• Washing the dog

• Weeding the garden

• Watering the plants

• Doing laundry

• Cleaning out the refrigerator

The list could go on, but this at least gets you started. Choose the tasks that fit your household, divide them up between the members of the family, and post it on the refrigerator.

You might get initial complaints—in fact, you probably will! But eventually the routine will take hold. And hopefully your son will learn to both appreciate you and what it takes to run a household.

Do the members of your household currently share responsibilities? Why or why not?

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Last week I went so far as to state every teenage boy should have a job. Because of that, it’s probably a good idea to talk about job interviews, and how to help your son make the best first impression.

For some of you, what you will read from here to the bottom of the blog is common sense. You’ve done a few dozen interviews yourself, and you could probably write this blog post faster than filling out an application. For others, an interview is a foreign concept, maybe as painful of a prospect as going to the dentist.

Over the past several years, my sons have worked various jobs, including dog-sitting, lawn mowing, driving range maintenance, grocery store clerking, and lifeguarding, to name a few. As always, school responsibilities came first. But my husband and I also believed the lessons they learned from working were just as valuable as what they learned in the classroom.

To prepare your son for a job interview, whether it’s with a neighbor who wants her lawn mowed or the manager of the local pool, take time to teach him these critical skills:

• Promptness. If you don’t show up a few minutes early, you’re late. The impression set by your arrival time carries over into a judgment about integrity and work ethic. Be on time. In a struggling economy with so many out of work, you can’t afford to start an interview with a bad first impression.

• Preparedness. Arrive with a current copy of your resume. Dress appropriately for the job, including a fresh haircut. Do a little research on the company. Learn the name of the person you’ll be meeting with. Get more information on the position, if possible. The more prepared you are, the more likely you are to “wow” the interviewer. And get the job.

• Confidence. Arrogance and confidence are two very different things. One communicates disrespect, the other respect. Teach your son the difference between the two and how carry himself with confidence without coming across as cocky or disrespectful.

• Respect. Speaking of respect, there’s a severe lack of it in our culture. One way for your son to set himself apart from the competition is by learning the basics of showing respect to authority. A simple “Yes, sir,” can go a long way, as well as learning the art of a firm handshake and a simple “Thank you for your time” at the close of the interview.

• Teachability. Nobody likes a know-it-all. And definitely not an employer. As much as your son may think he knows more than both you and his teachers, we both know he doesn’t. Encourage him to be a student. Help him prepare questions before he gets to the interview, questions that show a potential employer that’s he’s interested and willing to learn.

• Eye contact: Looking someone in the eye during conversation communicates respect, honesty and confidence. But for many, it’s a struggle and doesn’t come naturally. Communicate the important of eye contact to your son, and give him an opportunity to practice.

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As a general rule, sweeping statements aren’t a good idea. But when it comes to teenage boys and employment, I believe it fits.

Every teenage boy should get a job.

If he’s old enough to drive a car, I believe a job should be a prerequisite to the keys.

Of course, exceptions exist, and I’m not talking about those. But as a whole, getting a job can be just as valuable to a teenage boy’s education as writing a research paper and learning to work complex fractions. It doesn’t necessarily matter what the job is, how much it pays, or how many hours a week he works. Those are decisions you need to make, depending on your family’s needs as well as his academics, skill sets and extracurricular activities.

My boys started during the middle school years by mowing a lawn or two during the summer, shoveling snow in the winter, and doing a little babysitting and dog-sitting in between. Eventually a couple lawns became a lawn-mowing business. And then my eldest applied at a local grocery store and my middle became a lifeguard. Each learned important lessons far more important than how to cut grass or bag groceries.

Yes, getting a job could be one of the best things your son has ever done. Why? I put together this list of 10 reasons, just for starters. If these aren’t enough, I have more—many more.

1. To learn both the importance and mechanics of conducting a good interview.

2. To appreciate the value of money and learn to handle it with wisdom.

3. To learn to respect authority outside parent and teacher relationships.

4. To learn the art of managing diverse relationships.

5. To understand the value of being prompt.

6. To develop time management skills.

7. To navigate the world of other people’s expectations.

8. To develop a necessary level of independence.

9. To grow in responsibility and maturity.

10. To appreciate what others do for us (i.e. baggers at the grocery store)

Agree or disagree? And for those who agree, any additional reasons you’d add to the list?

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