When we held our little ones in our arms, we dreamed about how we wanted their futures to unfold as we prayed for God’s guidance and protection. We tried to do our best to raise them to be healthy, safe, secure, happy adults, and we encouraged them to seek out loving, healthy relationships with others. Perhaps as we read stories and fairy tales to them, we hoped their own relationships would also live “happily ever after.”

And yet, we knew they would face difficulties along their life journey, trials that would bring pain and loss. This is especially tough when it involves their relationships. We’re hopeful our children’s friendships and marriages will last throughout their lifetimes. But sometimes those relationships end in death or divorce.

Dreams are shattered and hearts are broken—theirs and ours as well. We don’t want them to struggle. Yet we know they must ultimately travel the journey of grief and recovery on their own.

If you are facing this kind of trial in the life of your family, perhaps these tips will bring encouragement as you love and support your adult child. The insight comes from my own personal journey as a parent, as well as the experiences of friends and clients whose children have experienced the loss of a loved one through death or divorce.

• Be available and willing to listen when they want to talk, without feeling the need to “fix” things for them. Recognize the power of your presence, even in the quiet times.

• Express your confidence in their ability to work through their grief. Say, “I know with God’s help you’ll get through this time.”

• Offer your assistance, “Let me know how I can support you through this.” Leave the door open but don’t pressure them to involve you.

• Be careful and respectful in your conversations. Remember: their decisions are ultimately theirs to make and to work through. Don’t compound their grief and adjustments with your negative comments and criticism. Be ready to offer guidance if they ask while also recognizing they may or may not heed your advice. Don’t pressure them to respond as you direct, unless something like their safety is at risk.

• Recognize that you have your own grief to work through as you let go of dreams and expectations you had, and as you let go of the person your child brought into your life. Find safe, healthy ways to process your feelings. Seek out confidential, caring people to help you deal with your own concerns so your grief doesn’t complicate your child’s situation.

• If you have grandchildren, be careful to manage your emotions so that you can be in a healthy position to offer them your support, attention, stability, and assurance that you are there for them. Watch how you answer their questions and don’t criticize their parents. Express your concerns if they ask but don’t elaborate on your own feelings.

• If your children remarry, help everyone adjust to their new blended family. Support everyone by welcoming new step-family members that may come along.

• Let your children know you are praying for them. Assure them of God’s presence, his love, his protection, and his provision as they cope with their losses and move on with their lives. If your children are receptive, share some verses from God’s word that offer comfort and encouragement.

Above all: may we remember (and remind our children) God has been present throughout the ups and downs of our lives. He is with us on this journey as well, ready to heal our hurts and fill our hearts with his grace, his forgiveness, his compassion, and his love.

For more tips on supporting your child through difficult times, read Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011).

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Some weeks are filled with ordinary days. Days when we follow familiar routines. Days that seem to come and go without particular notice.

While I have my ordinary days, just as you do, this time of the year also brings some special occasions. Days to celebrate and days to reflect.

This past month my family celebrated my little granddaughter’s second birthday and the precious blessings of love, joy, and hope God gives us through her.

Later in March, we all opened our doors to spring. A season of new beginnings. A time to clean out the dust and clear away the clutter of days passed to make room for the changes in store. It’s a time to plan and plant, then wait in anticipation of what’s to come. It’s a time of hope.

A few days ago I celebrated another birthday. How old? Well, let’s just say my granddaughter can’t count quite that high. Actually, this is a good time in my life. I’m taking opportunities to reflect back on the blessings that have been a part of my past and am looking forward to new memories yet to come. While I’d like to avoid any more gray hair or aching joints, I do want to see what God has in store for me in the days ahead. For me, it’s a time of hope.

While this past month brought some times of celebration, it also brought some challenges for my family. Disappointments to face. Losses to grieve. Dreams and plans to set aside. Questions without answers, and uncertainties for the future.

As a parent, it is always difficult to see my children deal with life’s struggles. I want to “fix it” for them and shield them from the arrows of pain and disappointment. Yet I know that often times we learn life’s greatest lessons through life’s most difficult challenges.

And those tough times can strengthen our faith and allow us to see God at work, guiding, sustaining, providing, preparing, and drawing us closer to Him. So, I find myself standing beside them as we work through the changes and wonder what the future will hold.

As this Easter season unfolds, I’ve found myself reflecting on how Jesus’ followers dealt with such a time in their lives. They had spent three years believing they were on a journey toward deliverance and that Jesus was, indeed, the Messiah they had been waiting for.

They sat at the feet of their teacher as He opened the eyes of their heart to a deeper understanding of God. They stood by His side, ministering to others and they shared their hearts with Him as they broke bread together. The future looked full of promise.

Then, suddenly, their dreams shattered and their joyful hearts flooded with fear, grief, and hopelessness as they watched their Messiah taken from them, crucified and then buried in a tomb.

The next day for them was the Sabbath, a day of worship. What a challenge to draw close to God in worship and obedience in the midst of what seemed like profound loss and future uncertainty.

Yet, He carried them through that Sabbath into a new day and showed them that what felt like an ending was a vital part of His ultimate plan for their lives—and for ours. Once again, God’s songs of love filled their hearts with hope as they met their risen Savior—God’s promise fulfilled.

Easter is a season of joyful celebration and a time of hope. For us and for our children. A reminder that when we experience losses, when the road ahead looks uncertain and we don’t have a map at hand to guide us, when life seems to be at a standstill and things aren’t moving as we think they should, we need to hold on, press through the darkness, draw close to God in the silence, wait on Him, listen for His voice, remember His promises, celebrate His love, and then watch as He leads us into the promise of a new day.

May the hope of Easter fill your heart and home.

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In my garden . . .

Pruning the plants: I’ve been told it’s an important step toward ushering in the spring season. My husband, the family gardener, has explained the significance of this annual process. Approaching the plants with sharpened clippers, he carefully examines each one to determine its state of health and potential for growth. Which branches should remain and which ones have fulfilled their purpose and now need to be trimmed back. Then he proceeds to cut. Oh, it’s not just a little nip here and a tuck there. He cuts, and cuts, and cuts again.

I tolerantly stand by and observe this ritual, trying to be supportive of his dedication to grooming our yard and providing such beautiful blooms throughout the spring and summer. I have a difficult time when he’s pruning the plants, however, even though I’m certain he means well.

Knowing my struggle, he patiently tolerates my complaints that he may be too aggressive with those clippers as he explains the purpose of this procedure once again. I just know what I see. There before me are plants that once were tall, mature-looking, well-formed specimens. Having demonstrated their productive capabilities, they’ve now been stripped of their tender limbs right down to the main arteries that give them life and hope for the future. Once prolific branches are set aside with the promise that new life will soon emerge.

There we stand, side by side, my husband with a sense of accomplishment and me with a sense of bewilderment. Then we wait.

Now, my husband knows patience doesn’t always come easily for me and letting go can be difficult at times. So, with all the empathy he can muster, he gently turns my attention from a past loss to a future possibility. We begin to talk about the potential for these plants and recall past pruning that provided us with beautiful, fragrant flowers.

Reality also reminds us it will take time, patience, and attention to details. We’ll need to fertilize, water, and pay attention to how the sun will greet the plants each day. We must watch for any unexpected last minute dips in the thermometer and protect tender new growth from the March winds. My role is to do what I can, to trust my gardener, and to wait for the results to come.

In my life . . .

While I wait for new buds on the bushes in my yard I’m also experiencing a time of pruning in my life. Perhaps you are as well. Now that my children are grown, God has been pruning away activities, demands, roles, and responsibilities that channeled my time, attention, energy, and resources while my sons were growing up.

Some of His trimming process has been welcomed, but I must admit I’ve struggled as He cuts away things in my life that I enjoyed for so long. Roles and opportunities I savored as a mom of two young boys. I know seasons begin and end in our lives and I know that those changes involve letting go, sometimes with sadness and other times with joy. And yet, knowing that principle doesn’t always make the process easy, does it?

What’s next?

I’m watching to see what will emerge in my garden as this new spring season unfolds, trusting that my husband’s pruning efforts will bring forth new growth and new blooms to enjoy. And I’m watching and wondering as pruning and preparation take place for whatever God has planned for my life in the days ahead. Trusting that He is at work in ways I can’t see or may not understand, and that His pruning, painful as it sometimes can be, will bring about new growth, new joy, and new blessings.

If you, too, are experiencing a time of pruning and preparation in your life for what is to come, then my friends, consider God’s promises, follow His direction, and find hope in His faithfulness as you wait on Him. Know that He has great things in store for this new season of your life.

Be encouraged!

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It’s important to pray for our children.

Of course, as parents we know that to be a part of our calling. We ask God to guide and direct their steps. To be with them in all they do. To love and protect them. To draw them close to Him.

As we watch them deal with adult issues in a challenging world, our prayers are the most important means of support we can give them. I’ve written about this before and know the principle to be true. Yet, my sons are going through some tough challenges in their lives right now and I’m spending more time talking with God about those trials and struggles as I seek His direction and protection for their lives.

Once again, I’ve gone back to a book that has been a source of personal encouragement and a reference for my own writing. In her book The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, author Stormie Omartian gives specific ways we can pray for our children. I want to share her chapter titles with you because they suggest that as we bring our children before the Lord, we can pray that they will:

• See God pour out His Spirit upon them

• Develop a heart for God, His Word, and His ways

• Grow in wisdom, discernment, and revelation

• Find freedom, restoration, and wholeness

• Understand God’s purposes for their lives

• Work successfully and have financial stability

• Have a sound mind and a right attitude

• Resist evil influences and destructive behavior

• Avoid all sexual pollution and temptation

• Experience good health and God’s healing

• Enjoy a successful marriage and raise godly children

• Maintain strong and fulfilling relationships

• Be protected and survive tough times

• Walk into the future God has for them

As we consider these desires for our children’s lives, let’s ask God to show us areas where they may be struggling so we can pray more specifically for them. Sometimes our children will share their challenges. Other times, they may not do so. And yet, God will quicken our hearts if we are listening to Him and will prompt our conversations with Him as we bring our children before Him in our prayers.

I find that the more I release my concerns and fears to the Lord, the more I am then able to envision His power, grace, mercy, and love at work in my children’s lives. And as I celebrate the positive things that are happing with prayers of thanksgiving, my trust and my hope are strengthened as I anticipate how God will continue to care for them.

A passage from the Bible that speaks to me clearly right now with both challenge and comfort as I support my sons through their present challenges is found in Philippians 4:6-9.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

May God guide our minds and hearts as we seek to parent our adult children in a way that honors Him, supports them, strengthens our family ties, and draws us all closer to Him.

You can read more about this gift and responsibility in Chapter 7 of Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011)—“Bring Your Children Before the Lord.”

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“I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.”

Edward Everett Hale, author

I came across this quote as I was writing to parents about managing special challenges. It was at a time in my life when I, too, was experiencing the limitations that sometimes come for us as parents when we see our children in need and recognize life for them, and for us, may not be as we planned.

I looked around and found friends, colleagues, and clients who were in a similar position, trying to discern how to respond as parents of adult children with special challenges and needs.

When our children were little, we dreamed that life for them would be filled with joy and wonder. We envisioned sharing exciting experiences with them as they grew into happy, healthy and well-adjusted adults.

Then, as I share in my book, “We carefully tucked our dreams and wishes into a nice, neat little box called the future, which we tied with a ribbon of hope. We set our box on the shelf of expectation and began our parenting journey, confident all would go according to plan.”

In the life of my family, perhaps in yours as well, some of those plans did unfold as we envisioned. But, we also know life sometimes takes unexpected twists and turns. Our lives and those of our children don’t always follow those wishes and dreams we so carefully tucked away.

Some challenges and changes are met with joy and excitement while others bring shock, disappointment, heartbreak and pain.

• A child who becomes a single parent.

• One who struggles with an addiction or a mental health disorder.

• A child born with a disability.

• One who suffers with a chronic or acute illness or injury.

• A child who must serve time in prison.

• A child who loses his/her own son or daughter.

Recently, I spent time with a woman whose son stepped into his young adult years, full of joy and hope. A life filled with promise was suddenly shattered by a tragic choice. Plans and expectations for him shifted from those of an athletic and academic star to a man now serving an 18-year prison term.

I also met a woman whose young adult daughter experienced a near-fatal accident that left her permanently disabled.

Both mothers shared how God has been leading them through a journey of grief as their families come to terms with a major life shift. They have had to set aside yesterday’s dreams and are now learning to create a “new normal” for today as they cling to promises of God’s faithfulness for their tomorrows.

When our adult children face challenges, particularly painful life-changing ones, we want to do all we can to help them cope. As we come to terms with the impact on both their lives and our own, and as we seek understanding and direction from God, we must recognize the scope and limitations of our assistance, “All I can do is all I can do. So, with God’s help, I’ll do my best to love and support my child in whatever ways possible.”

“It may mean we have to unpack the box of dreams and plans we formed in our minds and hearts when they were young. We can take out whatever dreams no longer fit, add new hopes and plans, and bind it together with new expectations and the promises of God’s love and provision.”

Whatever challenges and life shifts come along in our lives and those of our children, let’s hold on tightly to God’s promise to guide our steps and to help us be the parents He has called us to be.

For more insight and encouragement on managing special challenges, refer to Chapter 8 in Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011).

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We’re off and running toward what I hope will be a great year for all of us—a year to be healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Healthy eating plans, exercise equipment or gym memberships, time management programs, organizational tips, and study guides offer us tools to promote healthier living.

As we clean out our closets, cook healthier meals, exercise, and organize, we also know we need to make certain our minds and hearts are ready for the experiences ahead. We may have tucked away special keepsakes and fond memories from the past, but we may also be holding onto negative things in our lives that we need to discard, clutter that’s been weighing us down.

Emotional trash.

Hurts, disappointments, resentments and even fears from the past may be tucked away in our minds and hearts, impacting the relationships we’re building with our children now that they’re grown. If we struggled with problems as they were growing up, particularly during their teenage years, we might be holding onto some residual negative feelings of which we may or may not be aware.

Psychologist and author Georgia Shaffer cautions us, “Even the best intentions to eat well and exercise can be sabotaged by last year’s emotional trash. Emotional trash is any negative thoughts, feelings and attitudes such as petty grudges, long-held resentments, or destructive guilt. If not dealt with and removed, our emotional trash creates many problems in our lives and relationships. In fact, experts say avoiding, hiding, or soothing our feelings with food (emotional eating) is the main reason we fail to stick to our diets.”

In her book, Taking Out Your Emotional Trash: Face Your Feelings and Build Healthy Relationships (Harvest House, 2010), Georgia makes the point that while your emotional trash might be different from mine, the truth is we all have it.

Here are some questions Georgia challenges us to ask as we consider any emotional trash we might be carrying into this new year, particularly from past struggles and strains in family relationships.

• What am I ignoring that is weighing me down? Hurtful comments? Disappointment in your own actions as a parent? Discouragement or frustrations in the choices made by others? Choosing to ignore or hide these hurts, disappointments, or shame allows them to pile up and create more pain; you may find yourself doing unhealthy things to soothe your emotions.

• What have I grown use to that is weighing me down? It’s a subtle, gradual process where one day we’re aware we’re holding onto a grudge but then slowly over time this resentment becomes so much a part of us that we don’t even know it’s there.  Like living near a fast food restaurant, at first you’re aware of all the smells but after awhile you don’t even know they exist.

• What am I blinded to that is weighing me down? I would like to think we can be objective in our evaluation of life, however we all do have blind spots and are sometimes unable to see things as they really are.

I want to experience this new year without any emotional baggage, and I’m asking God to help me face any negative emotions and release them in healthy ways so I can move forward with a clean mind and heart. Forgiveness—for myself and for others—is part of that healing journey.

It’s not always easy to let go of hurts and pain, but I’ve found that steps like prayer, personal reflection through journaling, and talking to a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor can help identify and release negative emotions carried from the past. I want my relationships to be the best they can be so I’m ready for God to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit.

So, what about you?

As you consider your family relationships, take the steps you need to dump any emotional trash that might be interfering. Free yourself from whatever weighs you down—physically, emotionally, even spiritually—so you can experience all God has in store for you in the days ahead.

You can read more about creating a fresh start in your relationships with your adult children in Chapter 3 of my book Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011).

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Nancy, I’m worried about my daughter. She met a guy a few months ago, says she’s in love, and is already planning a wedding. I think it’s too soon. Aside from the timing, my husband and I have some real concerns about her choice in a mate. They come from very different backgrounds and seem to have some significant differences in beliefs.

We’ve just met him a couple of times and he seems nice, but we sense he is pushing a bit. She seems caught up in the romance and when I ask questions, she just tells me they’re in love and everything is going to be fine. I want to talk to her and share our concerns, but I don’t want her to get mad and pull away from us. I don’t want to cause problems but things are moving so fast. What can I do?

My friend’s concerns echo the fears I’ve heard from other parents who are concerned about their adult children’s marriage plans. We may be concerned about their choice in a mate, the timing of their marriage, or perhaps adjustment challenges we may foresee as they begin life as husband and wife.

I’ve counseled parents who struggled when their children opted to marry someone of a different culture, background, or faith. Some have watched with concern, perhaps even fear, as their children compromise values and beliefs. Others have had to come to terms with their child’s choice to share life with a live-in partner without marrying.

When our children make choices that concern us, we may struggle through shock, confusion, disagreement, disappointment, hurt, even feelings of failure and shame as we try to find a place of acceptance. We know—in theory—our children are adults and will make up their own minds about their beliefs and choices. And they have to deal with the consequences of those choices.

Still, it’s hard when we as parents believe they are making choices that may bring about some difficulties; when they make decisions about a life partner that clash with the values and beliefs we tried to instill in them as young children.

We don’t want to seem controlling; we don’t want to slam the door on our relationship with them either. So, what can we do if we find ourselves in this place?

Perhaps the place to start is to ask ourselves if we’re upset because they’re not making the choice we want them to or if they are stepping into problem areas that could be harmful or difficult as they try to build a marriage. Sometimes, we need to accept they have different opinions and desires; that they are in charge of their choices and the consequences that result. We may need to keep our preferences to ourselves unless asked.

If we do have concerns we feel we must share, particularly in the areas of physical, emotional or financial safety or well-being, we need to ask God’s guidance in determining if, when, and how to talk with our children. There are situations when we do need to step in and help our child leave an unsafe situation.

Here are some questions you might consider asking your child, if you find yourself struggling with these concerns. The questions may prompt him/her to consider choices without feeling lectured, pressured, or judged.

• You come from different life experiences, so I’m wondering if you’re finding some common ground, and how you’ll manage conflicts that may come up as a result.

• You seem to have strong opinions about—.  Do you share the same beliefs?

• Have you discussed how you will handle—(finances, children, religion, sex, careers, household responsibilities, holidays, celebrations)?

• Are you comfortable with the way you work through conflicts and disappointments?

• Honesty, safety, respect and trust are vital to a healthy relationship. Are you confident these things are in place and do you see them in action?

As we struggle to know how to manage concerns like these, I have learned a valuable lesson that I’ve shared with clients, included in my book, and applied in my own life: Ultimately, we need to ask God to grant us wisdom and grace to know how to respond to our children’s choices, those we applaud and those that concern us.

To handle those concerns in the best way possible for all of us and to help us keep our concerns from becoming roadblocks to building a healthy relationship with our children.

You’ll find these suggestions and additional comments in Chapter Six of my book, Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011).

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Last time we talked about how to communicate with our adult children in an adult-to-adult manner. Honestly, openly, respectfully sharing our thoughts in ways that acknowledge they are ultimately in charge of their lives.

We mentioned taking on a coaching approach in our conversations that can be a helpful way to respect boundaries for both our children and ourselves. Let’s look at another aspect of our communication.

As much as we want and need to grant our adult children freedom to make their own choices and work through their own challenges, there are times when we need to step in with a more direct approach. We may see them struggling with decisions or facing tough times and we want to share advice or assistance. They may be dealing with medical issues, or making a major purchase. They may be considering a job offer or perhaps struggling to cope with a relationship problem. We want to help but we don’t want to meddle.

There are times when our concerns seem to warrant some comments, yet we’re not sure how to share our thoughts and give advice without appearing as if we’re taking charge. Our fears seem to challenge our respect for their independence.

I included this story in my book and would like to share it with you here. Maryanne shared with me an experience where she found herself in this very situation with her son and daughter-in-law.

Our daughter-in-law recently had a serious health problem. Her parents and I were going crazy—trying to figure out how to give her much-needed advice, without stepping on her (and our son’s) privacy and personal choices. It was very difficult, because there were long-term consequences to her health because of decisions the young couple made. Agonizing!

At one point I did step in; I went down to spend a week with the young couple. I back-doored the kids—pulling the visiting nurse aside to say, “They’re not stupid; they’re ignorant of what they need to know and what they don’t know. Please explain everything and point out stuff they may be missing.”

The nurse thanked me for telling her that fact and made it a point to be more thorough and involved in my daughter-in-law’s care, which made a huge difference. I also explained to the kids that I visit a doctor carrying a list of questions to ask, so I can remember what I want to know. They thought that was a good idea but had never considered doing so before. They simply didn’t know and just needed some pointers.

Pointers are what they needed; they did not need to be told what to do—that was their choice. I took great care to phrase my statements in ways that did not lecture, but did provide information, and then left whatever they chose to do up to them.

Frequently, I say things like, “This is what I personally have observed in the past. It may pertain to you or it may not. You do whatever you feel you need to do, but this is something you might want to consider.”

And then I let it be. I don’t rehash choices they’ve made. I don’t blame them if something they’ve done turns out poorly. I try to ask open-ended questions, “What do you think you might have done differently in this situation for a better outcome?” I want them to learn to evaluate their own lives and decisions—because I’m not going to be there for their whole lives.

Excerpted from my book, Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child, Bethany House, 2011.

I think Maryanne’s approach was both respectful and beneficial to all involved; a positive example for us to consider in our interactions with our adult children as they face life’s challenges.

• Assess the situation.

• Look for opportunities to share information—“pointers” and personal examples to be considered.

• Respect each person’s roles and responsibilities.

• Step back and give space and time for action to be taken. “Let it be.”

• Be available to evaluate if invited to do so, without blame or criticism.

Now it’s your turn:

As parents of grown children, it’s likely we’ve all experienced situations like Maryanne described where we wanted to help in non-threatening ways. Perhaps you have an example of how you communicate with your children in challenging times that you’ll share with us.

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It’s “back to school” for many of our young adult college students. I’ve listened to friends share their feelings about emptying their nest once again, and I’ve recalled experiences with my own sons during their college years. Tears of sadness flowing from one eye; tears of joy from the other.

We want our children to succeed in school as a stepping stone toward what we pray will be successful, fulfilling futures. Perhaps it’s their dream . . . perhaps it’s ours. Hopefully it’s a goal we share.

When my sons packed for their first semesters in college, our conversations were filled with advice and cautions. I wanted to be sure they knew all they needed to know and were prepared for whatever challenges they’d encounter. My sons respectfully listened and even humored me some as I shared everything I could think of in the way of information and warnings.

I soon recognized that they would sift through what I said, choose what they thought was helpful, and discard what they thought unnecessary. Most importantly, I realized that while advice can be helpful and our assistance important, they’d need to learn many truths on their own about navigating the challenges of college and life as a young adult.

As they prepared for new semesters, I knew lectures were not what they needed. Instead, I created opportunities for them to talk about their plans and goals. I listened as they shared and asked questions that prompted them to think about how they wanted to move forward and how they would address the challenges of college life. I wanted them to consider how they would build on their prior successes and what changes they would make to avoid problems that might reoccur.

If I had concerns, I knew it was important to find ways to share them openly, honestly, and respectfully. There were boundaries to set and expectations to clarify. We needed to set clear goals and establish a measure of accountability as we talked about issues such as finances, grades, our communication, car maintenance, and their living spaces. And our conversations needed to be couched as adult-to-adult, acknowledging the transition taking place in our relationship and our individual roles and responsibilities.

My husband and I have found it most helpful in our conversations with our sons to ask questions that prompt them to think rather than tell them directly what they should or shouldn’t do (unless they ask specifically for our advice).

There are times (I must admit) when I want to jump right in with advice. Yet, my husband and I are finding it best to foster an open conversation where our sons feel the freedom to explore options and talk about possibilities without fear that we will judge or try to control them. This has been especially helpful as they consider goals and choices before them, and as they cope with both success and failure. We ask if we can share information, concerns or advice, and we ask them to consider what we share, knowing they are ultimately in charge of their life choices.

I wrote about this type of communication between parents and adult children in Chapter 3 of Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011) and shared some questions for you to consider as you talk with your own adult children. We’ll look at some of those questions in an upcoming blog post and I’ll close here with this insight from the book:

Our adult children are looking to us for guidance and support along with the acknowledgment that they are now in charge of their decisions and the consequences of their choices. They are beginning to look ahead and develop their own vision for their lives, set goals, and take action steps to move them toward the success they desire . . .

They can benefit from our insight and experiences if we know how and when to offer those tools. They can also find valuable life lessons through their own personal trials and errors. . . When we offer respect, understanding, and restraint, they will be more apt to ask our advice. If we listen to them first, they will be more apt to listen to us (p 43).

Now it’s your turn: If you have some tips to share with parents whose children are off to college this semester, I hope you’ll share them here.

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It’s the start of a New Year!

Once again, we embraced the celebration of Christmas as we set the busyness of our everyday lives to relax and enjoy time with others. To quiet our minds and hearts as we encountered love in its truest sense and reflected on the reason for this celebration—God’s amazing gift of love.

I like to leave my decorations in place during the quieter days after Christmas as reflections of the holiday linger in my mind and heart. But now that we’re well on our way into the new year, I am packing away memories from the past year and preparing for all that 2012 will hold.

As I’ve been carefully boxing up items for future Christmases, I’ve had to clear out clutter and clean up space to make room for those treasures I want to keep. I’m passing along some special items to those I love and letting go of other things that are not of value.

Perhaps you’ve been doing the same thing as you embrace this new year. I want 2012 to be a great year—you likely do as well. So, while we take steps to get our house in order, we need to make certain our minds and hearts are ready for the experiences ahead. There may be keepsakes that need to be carefully tucked away in the closets of our heart for future seasons or perhaps shared with those we love—memories to be cherished, traditions to be passed on, family history to be relayed, and beliefs to be shared.

Reflecting on the past year, we may also find things to discard—clutter that’s been in our way. Hurts. Disappointments. Fears. Failures. Conflicts. Obstacles that keep us tied to the past. Clutter that takes up space in our minds and hearts where peace and joy could reside. Clutter that negatively impacts our relationships with those we love.

I know there’s some clutter in my own life I need to clear away because there are experiences I want to savor, values and beliefs I want to preserve, and truths I want to share with my children. So, I am asking God to prepare my home and my heart for all He has in store for me. And I’m asking Him to do the same in the minds and hearts of my children.

So, what about you?

As you step out into this new year, what will you carry with you? What values and experiences do you want to preserve?

Is there clutter you need to rid in your home, your heart, or your relationships so you’ll have space for the blessings God has in store for you?

How are you preparing yourself to be a positive light in the lives of your children this year and what do you want to pass along to them in the days ahead?

You’ll find more information on creating a fresh start personally and in your relationships in Secrets to Parenting Your Adult Child (Bethany House, 2011).

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