”If you don’t go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don’t deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.

Matthew 10:38-39 (MSG)

Paradox – par-a-dox (noun) 1. Something absurd or contradictory 2. Self-contradictory statement 3. An apparent contradiction

Here we go again, looking at another paradox of a strong-willed child. Ready? The strong-willed child wants your encouragement, love, and attention. She wants to know you’re willing to invest in the relationship.

This might seem elementary, but the very nature of a strong-willed child can push you away. They are not typically warm and cuddly, something you might see in a more compliant child. The strong-willed child is “usually right” and is willing to cause an emotional upset to win. These are not characteristics that will automatically endear them to others. Instead, in many instances the natural responses of a strong-willed child will act to push people away . . . even her parents.

Your strong-willed child needs to know that you love her and that her occasional misbehavior or the stress she might put you in, does not lessen your love. To a young child, strong-willed or otherwise, you, as the parent represent her heavenly parent. As much as possible, your attitude should parallel His.

The words of a Phillips, Craig and Dean song illustrate this so well. “I want to be just like you [Jesus] ‘cause he wants to be just like me.” We all fall short and this is not a call to perfection. It is simply a reminder that your Heavenly Father loves you when you are not warm and cuddly. That is what a strong-willed child desires.

We are not suggesting you condone disobedience. God is perfect love and perfect truth—perfect grace and perfect justice. Our goal as parents is to do our best in both departments. Be intentional in loving your strong-willed child and giving her encouragement and attention even when her actions might push you away.

When do you find it hard to feel close to your strong-willed child?

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My son, do not despise the Lord’s

discipline and do not resent his rebuke,

because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

as a father the son he delights in.

Proverbs 3:11–12

The responsibility of disciplining a strong-willed child is by far one of the largest potential detours in your journey. Over and over again we are asked, “Does a two-year-old really need discipline?”

The answer is simple. Actually it is a question in return. “Does your two-year-old choose to defy you?” And if the answer is “yes,” that is also the answer to question number one. The time to begin to discipline or train your child is not based on a specific chronological age or stage of development, but is based on the individual development and needs of your child.

We knew a young couple who announced from the beginning of their daughter’s life that they were not going to discipline her until she was able to talk. To them, words would indicate understanding on the part of their child, and that was the guideline they established.

Although their daughter was still not talking at two years old, they continued with their strategy: “No discipline until Mandi is able to talk to us.”

Mandi may not have chosen to speak, but she was one bright little girl and we watched her get by with some pretty defiant behavior —all the while keeping her mouth shut. In fact, it is our theory (never to be proven or disproven) that Mandi was capable of talking long before she finally uttered her first words. She knew that sooner or later she would talk, and the jig would be up. Then her parents would proceed with “part two” of the program and begin to discipline her.

She held out as long as she could, until she finally gave in. If Mandi was a strong-willed child like our son, she might still be silent today!

A certain age or stage is not necessarily the perfect indicator of when discipline should begin. You need to discipline your child when he or she chooses to defy you. And there is usually little doubt when a strong-willed child chooses defiance.

How old was your strong-willed child when she was first defiant?

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Give, and it will be given to you.

A good measure, pressed down,

shaken together and running over,

will be poured into your lap.

For with the measure you use,

it will be measured to you.

Luke 6:38

paradox—par-a-dox (noun) 1. Something absurd or contradictory 2. Self-contradictory statement 3. An apparent contradiction

The verse above from Luke is one example of a paradox found in God’s Word. The Bible contains numerous paradoxes. When we give, we receive (Luke 6:38). We die to live (Matthew 10:39, Philippians 1:21).

Many who are first will be last, and the last first (Mark 10:31). These seemingly contradictory statements can be confusing, much like the paradoxes in the life of a strong-willed child.

Let’s take a look at one such paradox: The strong-willed child wants you to be in control.

We can hear you now, gasping in disbelief. “Well, my strong-willed child does everything possible to gain control. Are you telling me he wants us, his parents, to be in charge?”

Yes, he does. That is the paradox. The strong-willed child wants to live in the presence and structure of just and fair rules. He finds safety in knowing precisely where the boundaries are set and what the consequences will be for crossing them.

In a sense, having the boundaries and consequences well-defined gives the strong-willed child ultimate control of the outcome. It is his choice whether or not he will remain within the guidelines or whether he will cross the line and receive the promised consequence.

In spite of every attempt to convince you otherwise, a strong-willed child wants you to be the parent. Likewise, he is hoping that each teacher he encounters will do the job and be the teacher.

You can be assured that a strong-willed child will initially test the one in charge, be it Mom, Dad or his teacher. It is the responsibility of that adult to illustrate his or her love for the child by maintaining control.

When have you found it difficult to maintain control?

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The following words come directly from our son’s comments in Journey of a Strong-Willed Child. Enjoy the insight!

Some parents find that discussing an issue with their children is an effective way to discipline them. My guess is that if that system works, the child is not actually strong-willed.

As an adult, I recently saw a television show about disciplining children. One mother told the story of her three-year-old not wanting to stay in his bed at night unless she was in his room.

Her solution? She pulled a rocker into the room and told her son that she would sit and read while he fell asleep, but if he got out of bed, she would have to leave the room and shut the door.

Interestingly, her plan worked after a week. At first, she had to stand up from her chair when he hopped out of bed. But after she threatened to leave the room, he went back to his bed. She reported that soon he was staying in bed and falling asleep right away.

As I listened to this mother giving her discipline advice, I realized that gaining control over that situation would have been no problem for me (or any strong-willed child). I would simply get out of bed and force the mother to leave the room. Then, after she shut the door, I would scream bloody murder.

At that point, the mother would have an obvious dilemma. Because no one was in the room to stop me, no one to physically put a hand over my mouth, the odds are she would feel compelled to check to be sure I was all right and try to calm and silence me. And as soon as she reentered the room, I would immediately jump into bed.

Then if she had decided to spank me, she’d feel guilty because I was back in bed, right where I was supposed to be. If I got out of bed again and she left, I’d simply repeat the scenario. The probability of this woman’s plan working with a strong-willed child was, in my estimation, not very high.

A strong-willed child is capable of almost immeasurable persistence, unless he is ultimately convinced that the discipline is too uncomfortable.

Have you witnessed such incredible persistence from your strong-willed child?

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I (Kendra) had always made my list of priorities on paper with pen or pencil and they had never impacted my life.

Then one day I had an idea . . . what if I took my paper and put it upright on an easel? And what if instead of a pen or pencil, I painted my priorities with watercolor?

Those of you familiar with watercolor painting are shaking your heads. “This won’t work. Watercolor paint will run. You’ve got to have the paper flat.” You’re right—right at least about the fact that the watercolors will run to the bottom of the paper. But that was the whole point of the thought I had that day.

Picture this. Priority #1, “The Lord,” was written in purple at the top of the sheet of paper. No sooner had my brush left the paper than the dripping paint from the letters I had written began their slow and steady descent to the bottom.

Then I painted Priority #2, “John,” my husband. His color was orange. Now orange paint was also running down the sheet . . . blending into the purple from above.

Next came Priority #3, “The Boys”—all three of them ranging in willfulness from strong-willed to compliant. Their color was blue. The blue’s downward flow was colored by the purple and orange previously painted.

The same was true with Priority #4, “My Work,” painted in green. And Priority #5, “Other Good Things,” was done in red.

The paper I saw in my mind that day was both messy and beautiful. The colors had all raced to the bottom of the sheet. All the words I had written were touched by the paint from words above them on the list.

Each thing on my list of priorities was colored or influenced by the things with a higher ranking. My decisions about my work had to be made by considering the more important, higher ranking things in my life—the things above it.

What would your list of priorities look like?

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As a young man recently out of college, I (John) began an exciting adventure.

Three days after our honeymoon, Kendra and I packed our bags and headed for Texas, where I was enrolled in pilot training for the United States Air Force. I soon discovered that this training was, in a word, intense. For one year our instructors taught us and trained us and tested us—just to be sure. To be sure that we were capable of flying the aircraft and accomplishing the tasks we were assigned.

Before each training flight my instructor challenged my ability to recite quickly and accurately one or more of the critical emergency procedures. This was part of the preparation. These emergency procedures had to be memorized verbatim. We could not use the manual. We had to know the information perfectly before we ever needed to use it. The steps for each procedure had a specific order and the order was extremely important. The priority was crucial. It was often a matter of life or death.

The emergency procedure for “bail out” comes to my mind immediately. It was simple, only two steps. But the order of the steps was vital. #1—Lift handles, #2—Squeeze triggers. Lifting the handles blew the jet’s canopy from the aircraft. Squeezing the triggers ejected the pilot’s seat from the plane. The importance of the proper sequence, the priority, is very obvious in this example.

Setting priorities and living those out in your daily life is also important. In fact, I believe it is essential for effective parenting for your strong-willed child or any other child for that matter. Unlike an emergency procedure in a high-speed aircraft, failure to prioritize will probably not cost anyone his life.

But our children are depending on us to do the best job we can do. Getting first things first will help you and your spouse work together to raise your kids. Maybe you will even be able to avoid some of the unwanted “family emergencies” that can too often plague the home of a strong-willed child.

Have you taken the time to list your priorities and more importantly to implement that order of importance into your life?

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The strong-willed child is not without a goal. From the beginning, the goal of a strong-willed child is to be in control of his life. And he pursues that goal with determination and gusto, needing little outside motivation or stimulus. Unfortunately, being in control is not always in his best interest. That is why you, as the parent of a strong-willed child, need to develop goals for his journey.

Setting goals for your strong-willed child can be tricky business. Remember, the strong-willed child desires to be in control of his own life. If you set goals for him, you are, in a very real sense, seeking to control him. The strong-willed child who gets an inkling of the idea that his parents are directing him this way or that way, is likely to turn around and go in the opposite direction.

So do you still set goals? Absolutely! But these are definitely not shared with your strong-willed child. In a sense, these are actually goals for you, the parents. They are set to guide you as you shape the journey of your strong-willed child.

First of all, as parents, we wanted our strong-willed son to know in his heart, not just his head, that Jesus loved him and that He wanted the very best for him. That was the most important goal. Our goals had to be specific, attainable, and measurable. A specific goal was that our son would accept Christ as his Savior at an early age, and the sooner the better. This was both specific and attainable. It was measurable by his proclamation of the decision and subsequent behavior.

In order to facilitate this goal, we attended Sunday school and church each Sunday. We read the Bible to the kids each day and prayed as a family at breakfast. We prayed with our son each night before bedtime. And we accepted the challenge to do what was by far the most difficult and the most powerful thing— to live our faith before him each day (to walk our talk), not perfectly, but with conviction and with love.

There is no formula to guarantee that a child will accept the love of God and become a Christian, but it is a goal worthy of every attempt made to encourage it. With the help of God’s Holy Spirit, the strong-willed child begins to understand that using his strengths negatively and in destructive ways isn’t the best plan. Winning at the expense of another is not what Christ supports or applauds.

What goals have you set for yourself as the parent of a strong-willed child?

 (Image from rickstaehler.com, online marketing coach and entrepreneur)

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When our first two sons were just four years and 21 months old, respectively, the family made a very long trip by car from Illinois to California. I (John) was an Air Force Reserve pilot, scheduled for some additional flight training, and the reporting time was not negotiable. We loaded the kids into our sedan and started on a 52-hour road trip.

In order to maintain peace and harmony, we planned to do as much traveling around-the-clock as we could, and so we organized many diversions for the boys.  Old men’s dress shirts were hung on hangers on the hooks by each of the boys seats. The bottom hems were sewn shut. Inside the shirts- turned-bags were all sorts of goodies, including metal cookie sheets that were used for desktops and magnetic playing boards.

I (Kendra) wrapped up little toys and markers (each individually packaged) as well as magnetic letters and shapes. Every waking hour each boy was given a new package to unwrap. Believe it or not, this kept them happy during the trip.

After we were in the car for about 36 hours, we decided to stop at a restaurant rather than eat another of the lunches that had been packed. The boys enjoyed their meal, and then we allowed them to run around the area in which we were seated.

There were no other patrons close enough to be bothered by their footloose behavior, although I’m sure some wondered why any parent in his right mind would allow such commotion. We decided that corralling them was not a battle we wanted to fight.

After all, they would soon be corralled for the remainder of the trip, still some 16 hours. The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing!

Have you ever chosen a battle and then regretted it?

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Strong-willed children do not like to do things they determine are “stupid.” When our strong-willed child was in second grade he was given an assignment to write a creative poem for an area-wide competition. The problem, as he saw it, was that it was not for a grade in class. What a silly waste of time! He didn’t want to enter a contest.

Thankfully, our son didn’t express these feelings to his reading teacher. Instead he announced to me (Kendra) on the evening before the due date, that he was not going to do the “stupid” assignment.

Of course, I told him differently. It was a battle that I was going to fight and win and one I would have to win on my own. John would not be home that evening. He was flying a sortie for the United States Air Force Reserves.

“I will not create this poem for you,” I declared to our strong-willed son. “You are going to do it. I have a piece of paper, and I will take down dictation as you compose the poem.” (How many times is a stenographer that forceful?)

We sat there as he protested loudly. I did not give an inch, and finally he started shouting out ideas for the poem.

Ultimately his creative work evolved into this: “Busy bear, busy bear, don’t bother me! I have work of my own—like gathering honey and other nutty things. So, DON’T BOTHER ME!”

Years later, we laughed at his finished product. There was no doubt that he was trying to tell me not to bother him. Fortunately, I didn’t read between the lines that evening. I was just glad he had actually produced something to hand in to his teacher for the contest. I was exhausted from the battle, but it was one worth fighting.

By the way, “Busy Bear” won second place in the three-county contest. Our son received a certificate and savings bond at a ceremony held at the junior college. And he thoroughly enjoyed the accolades.

“Busy Bear” was an important victory, and it was one battle that I fought without the aid of John. Usually he was there to lead the charge, but he was gone on assignment with the Air Force Reserve, and this was one of those times when I was flying solo.

Have you ever persevered when you wanted to give up?

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One young dad suggested that the parents of today had “bought into the lie that the opposite of love was discipline.” He went on to say that it had to be a lie because we know from God’s Word that “the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in” (Proverbs 3:12), and “the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son” (Hebrews 12:6).

With our heavenly Father as our example, we are required to do the same—to discipline those we love. Loving your child and building a strong and positive relationship occurs long before you are required as a parent to discipline your child. Your loving relationship develops before you ever have to set boundaries and deliver consequences. And the love continues throughout your child’s lifetime.

The purpose of discipline is to change your child’s behavior when it is dangerous, destructive, or defiant. Discipline is an extension of love. We loved our sons from the day they were born. That is when love begins—maybe even sooner. Being diligent in the task of discipline is easier when you realize that it is a display of your love. Loving discipline is modeled by our heavenly Father and is a necessary part of being a parent.

When you enforce the boundaries you have set for your child, you are not the “bad cop.” In many ways you are the “good cop,” helping your child learn to temper his strong-willed nature and use it in an appropriate way.

How would you answer this question: Do you love your child enough to maintain control?

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