Here is a recent question from the concerned parent of a strong-willed child. “It’s difficult for me to make my strong-willed child follow the rules. Does this have an affect on my other kids?”

• The fact that this is difficult for you won’t make a difference unless you fail to make your strong-willed child follow the rules.

Early on I (Kendra) realized that even though all of our kids (strong-willed or otherwise) had learned to obey the rules, I was requiring our strong-willed son to do chores that were less challenging and more entertaining. That was not fair to his brothers. When it became evident to me, I immediately changed my behavior.

• We would agree that it is more difficult to convince a strong-willed child to follow the rules, but if you neglect that responsibility, it will have a negative effect on the child and his siblings.

Everyone in your family will be aware of the inequity—a potential cause for animosity between the kids. There is also a risk that your other children will begin to mimic the negative behavior that seems to bring benefits.

• Do not make the mistake of disciplining all your children when your strong-willed child disobeys. This error will not result in positive peer pressure as is sometimes believed.

Think of it this way, would you want to receive a speeding ticket because your neighbor exceeded the speed limit? That is unlikely. Besides wanting to suggest he slow down in the future, you’d probably be angry or at least annoyed.

On the surface peer/sibling pressure might seem like an effective way to change a child’s behavior. In reality, even if the poor behavior is curtailed to some degree, the chances are great there will be bad feelings.

Disciplining all of the children for the misconduct of one isn’t fair and doesn’t lay a good foundation for friendships in the future – between child and parent or between siblings.

In other words, Be the Parent and see to it that your strong-willed child follows the rules.

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• Realize it is natural for any teenager to want to spend at least a portion of their school vacation time with their peers. As a parent it is important to be aware of and sensitive to the feelings of your teenager. That does not mean she is exempt from all the traditional gatherings, but it does mean it might be a wise decision to make some appropriate adaptations as your strong-willed child get older.

• • Look for ways to compromise with your teenager. A strong-willed individual appreciates having some degree of control in a situation.

• Take a look at your holiday schedule. Are there events she can attend in part – either arriving late or leaving early? If you find that is the case, your teenager should know that she is to attend (not skip out all together) and to be amiable and pleasant to all who are gathered. Then you, Mom and Dad, need to relax and allow your strong-willed teenager to make the good choice to operate within the parameters. No hovering or harassing!

• If a teenager is given a certain responsibility during the holiday gathering, he or she is more likely to enjoy the time. Strong-willed kids are leaders. For example, she could be assigned to amuse the younger kids—organizing a game or craft. If the party is farther from home, perhaps your teenager could be responsible for driving part of the way. Making her the music director for the evening might also be fun.

• The key is to avoid treating your strong-willed teenager as a child. Remember, he or she is an “emerging adult.” Once the expectations are set, she then has a choice how she will respond. And of course if she makes a poor choice, the predetermined consequences should be delivered. Never surprise your son or daughter, strong-willed or otherwise, with the consequence.

What things have you done to eliminate hostility from your strong-willed teenager during the holidays?

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Many parents believe that the “more time, energy, attention, and money they can devote to their children the better. In the final analysis, there are important things we can’t do.”

Here are some of the things the author suggested, followed by our thoughts.

• We can’t make our kids happy. You cannot “make” anyone happy, including your strong-willed child. “Happiness is based on happenings. Joy is an inside job.” We can do our best to have our home reflect the joy of Christ. We can help all our children learn to be content. (Philippians 4:11 says, “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.”)

Both of these (and purposely teaching your strong-willed child strategies to recover when something doesn’t go well) are influenced by what we model as parents.

• We can’t give our kids high self-esteem. Typically, it is other kids who rob children of their self-esteem. Help your strong-willed child realize that the classmates who hurt others are actually individuals who are hurting personally. This does not make it “fair,” but it is a good perspective.

In truth, a healthy self-esteem comes from a child knowing God loves him or her. Then it is enhanced when you as the parent applaud your strong-willed child for a job well done! Purpose to make your home a place of encouragement and connect your child with encouraging adults through connecting with a kid-friendly church.

• We can’t make friends for our children or micromanage their relationships. You might be surprised that your kids can sometimes do a better job of choosing suitable friends than you can. Your responsibility is to teach your strong-willed child how to make good choices and how to be a friend.

• We can’t keep our children completely safe, but we can drive them crazy trying. Keep in mind the benefit of encouraging “safe risks.” Will your child always succeed? No, but a disappointment or failure will give you the opportunity to teach your strong-willed child how to recover.

• What can Mom and Dad do? The Bible is full of answers.

Seek first his kingdom (Matthew 6:33: “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”)

Trust in the Lord (Proverbs 3:5-6: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”)

Ask for wisdom (James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”)

Train up a child (Proverbs 22:6: “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.”)

Teach your children (Deuteronomy 11:19: “Teach them [the words of God] to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up”.)

And surround your family with a solid Christian community!

Are there any “can’ts” you’d like to add?

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The study placed dads in one of two camps. In our words, the Relational Disciplinarian—the father who developed a relationship with his child, encouraging autonomy and emphasizing accountability, and the Dictator Dad who loved his child but ruled with an iron fist and was harsher.

The Relational Disciplinarian was more likely to have kids who developed the art of persistence, leading to better outcomes in school and less misbehavior. The Dictator Dad’s kids were much less persistent.

When it comes to the strong-willed child, parents, both dads and moms, can fail to realize the importance of building that relationship in conjunction with loving discipline. Many times the out-of-the box thinking and the in-your-face demands of a strong-willed child make building a relationship more difficult or even undesirable. In reality, the strong-willed child needs a great deal of positive affirmation to combat the negative attention shown by so many.

A Relational Disciplinarian can bring out the best in a strong-willed child. That is the parent who listens to his kids, establishes a close relationship, sets appropriate rules and grants appropriate freedoms. These behaviors help children have a sense of accountability and develop positive persistence, persistence that will help them stick with the important projects and assignments and not be dissuaded by disappointment.

On a side note, Moms, you can also instill these values, it just seems that men and fathers may take on this role more often. Single Moms, you will definitely need to assume this role in your kids’ lives, being a listener, setting the rules and encouraging accountability. It is an added bonus for you and your children if you can connect your kids with a godly male role model.

For both mom and for dad it is important to remember . . . rules with relationship leads to respect! (And perhaps to some positive bulldog tenacity too. J)

Do you think it is important to help a child develop persistence?

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Unfortunately, the answer is a wishy-washy “It depends.” It would be easier if there was only one definitive answer. But there will be times when you as the parent will want to simply call a halt to the debate and other times when engaging with your child will be appropriate and advantageous. The key to remember is that the decision belongs to you and not to your strong-willed child.

If the choice to debate or not is yours, Mom and Dad, what should you consider in making the decision? Perhaps the first thing to take into account is the time it will take to have this discussion with your strong-willed child. A debate is not typically over in 2 or 3 minutes. If there is no time constraint AND if you feel dialoging is legitimate we would encourage you to do so.

Several things can be learned through engaging in a debate. Your son or daughter can practice the art of listening to another’s perspective. In addition, your child has the opportunity to develop the skill of presenting his or her position in an intelligent, unemotional manner.

When is debating a bad idea? Besides having an inadequate amount of time to debate the merits of a decision you have made, you might also choose NOT to engage if the debate is for sheer sport or because of boredom.

If you determine that a debate is inappropriate, you do not need to feel guilty about putting a halt to the conversation. You are the parent. But try to remember, debating can prove beneficial and is undoubtedly an enjoyable pastime for your strong-willed child.

Have you ever found yourself in a debate orchestrated by your strong-willed child?

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We are often asked: “If I have a great deal of difficulty getting my strong-willed child to follow the rules, will that affect my other children?”

The short answer is “no” if the parent ultimately succeeds. If there is failure in making the strong-willed child follow the rules, the chance of negatively affecting both the strong-willed child and his or her siblings greatly increases.

Every child in the family will become aware of the inequity when they are required to obey and the strong-willed sibling is not. This has the possibility of creating animosity between the siblings. In addition, it is possible the other children will begin to mimic the negative behavior if it appears to bring positive benefits.

When a child is strong-willed, it is not an excuse for him to ignore or disobey the rules. It may be an explanation as to why it is more difficult for the parent to enforce those rules, but the explanation is no excuse. The strong-willed child should be required to follow the same set of rules as his more compliant siblings.

There is one more element to consider. It is something I (Kendra) discovered early in our parenting. Feel free to learn from my mistake. When the kids were still young I realized that even though all of them (strong-willed or otherwise) had learned to follow the rules, I was requiring our strong-willed son to do chores that were less challenging and more entertaining. It was an unconscious decisions I made knowing he would give me fewer challenges if he enjoyed his responsibilities. That was not fair to his brothers and when I became aware of my mistake, I immediately changed my behavior.

Remember, you are the parent. Do not relinquish this privilege and responsibility to your child simply because he is strong-willed. Love your child enough to maintain control and see that he follows the rules you have set.

Is the negative behavior of your strong-willed child being copied? 

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“We have two sons—three months and 20 months old. How do we discipline both children for the same offense: one laughs at a smack on the hand while the other one looks heartbroken when I barely tap him?”

The real question is whether both children should be disciplined in the same way. The short answer is “no.” Disciplining children is not about equality. That is an easy mistake to make. Each child is an individual and what works and is appropriate for one child might be ineffective and inappropriate for another – especially if one is strong-willed.

Perhaps the easiest way to evaluate the appropriate consequence for each child is to ask, “What is my goal?” Generally speaking, the goal parents have is to lovingly control their child’s behavior until he or she is able to exhibit self-control. An example of a specific goal might be to keep the child from touching a breakable item at a friend’s home. The consequence for crossing that boundary will have to fit the individual child.

It is important for every parent to be a student of his or her child. One child may need no more than a disappointed look from his parent to reinforce the boundary that has been set. Typically a strong-willed child will require a consequence that is more stern.

Evaluation is simple. If the consequence has no positive effect with one child, for example in the question above the one who laughs at the discipline, the parent will need to try an alternate method. Again, no two youngsters are the same.

Don’t be discouraged if one of your children is strong-willed or more challenging. Simply discover the effective, loving discipline that works with him. Remember your goal. You want to shift the responsibility little by little from parental boundaries and consequences to self-disciple.

How have you personalized the consequences to fit each of your children?

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There is no question that delayed gratification should not be ignored even if your strong-willed child does her best to convince you otherwise. Children need to learn how to wait—whether it’s waiting for their parents’ attention or waiting for a reward. Patience and self-control are attributes that can be cultivated by delayed gratification.

Three examples of ignoring the importance of delayed gratification come to mind:

1. Strong-willed kids are capable of convincing a parent to allow snacking throughout the day.

2. They are demanding (and receiving) their parent’s attention when that parent is talking to another adult, in person or on the phone.

3. And perhaps the most significant, strong-willed tweens and teens are convincing their parents to loan them money to buy a want, not waiting until the money has been earned.

Problems can arise when any child is not taught delayed gratification. A strong-willed child especially needs the opportunity to learn and practice patience and self-control.

Let’s go back to the three examples . . .

1. When continual snacking is allowed, a child is less likely to eat a well-balanced meal at mealtime. That can lead to another battle with your strong-willed child. It’s a vicious cycle. One snack in the afternoon is sufficient for a healthy child eating three meals a day.

2. The strong-willed child who is allowed to interrupt a conversation wrongly believes his or her question, comment, or perceived need is more important that anything else. That kind of attitude is very unhealthy and can be carried into adulthood.

3. Those early loans, demanded by and given to the tweens and teens by Mom or Dad, can set the pattern for young adults living beyond their means.

The conclusion is simple. Teach your strong-willed child delayed gratification. It will serve her well throughout life!

When did you have the opportunity to teach your strong-willed delayed gratification?

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—Richard Asa quoting parenting experts in Chicago Tribune, January 1, 2012

Recently we were asked our view of allowing strong-willed kids to take “reasonable, safe risks.” It has been our experience that the kids who were encouraged to “leave their comfort zone” found that they were able to accomplish things they never imagined. “Safe risks” that stretch kids can definitely build confidence.

Our strong-willed child and his brothers grew up in a small country church and attended a high school of fewer than 500 students. In both of those settings, he was able to take “safe risks.” He tried out for the lead in the high school musical and played on the football team. We encouraged his involvement and did our best to model taking safe risks ourselves.

Maybe you are concerned that your strong-willed child is already taking risks that make you uncomfortable. It is possible that these are not “safe” risks but instead are detrimental to his physical, spiritual or mental health. Safe risks are ones where bravery and initiative are exemplified. Show your strong-willed child examples of these attributes and dialog about safe risks and rewards.

The other possibility is that you are over-indulging or over-protecting your strong-willed child. That is one of the biggest detriments to building confidence. This parental behavior does not promote positive risk-taking.

When you’re considering these safe risks, look at your child’s personality. What appeals to your child? Remember your goal is to “stretch” your strong-willed child and not to break him. Provide structure and limits and encourage reasonable, safe risks.

Can you give an example of a “safe risk” you encouraged your strong-willed child to take?

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Because they consistently question authority and are willing to choose a measured amount of punishment over compliance, it is assumed that they are unfeeling. A strong-willed child appears to push his way through all situations, yet if you look more closely, you will realize he wears his heart on his sleeve.

The truth of the matter is that strong-willed children are very compassionate. Although they are typically the last to “give in,” they are often the first to feel compassion for another and offer comfort.

Your strong-willed child, like everyone else, has the desire to be loved, appreciated, and treated with respect. But because a strong-willed child tends to respond abruptly, people assume that he or she wants or deserves that same sort of abruptness in return. Because of the way these children are wired, others do not perceive them as capable of or interested in tenderness.

A strong-willed child can be hurt just like any other child and is often misunderstood because of his strong responses. An adult who does not encourage the strengths of a strong-willed child, deeming him tough and more welcoming of criticism than another child, is an adult who may create a serious roadblock in the journey of your strong-willed child.

Mom and Dad, think about how you respond to your challenging strong-willed child. Is it more difficult to encourage or even cuddle that child who seems to have an incredible capability to push you to and possibly over the edge?

Keep in mind this child needs your physical and emotional love as much as his or her compliant counterpart.

What specific ways do you encourage your strong-willed child?

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